Back in Black

Well, I'm back to class... for about a month now. It's not summer, so I actually have stuff to talk about!

Ok, that's totally not true. I have plenty to talk about during summer. It's just a matter of "do I want to make a blog post out of this?" Usually, the answer is no. I don't have the time or the interest to constantly post stuff, because my conversational and writing skills are nearly all reactionary. Taking the initiative with words is technically difficult for me. Even if I know you well enough to be comfortable initiating conversation, believe me, I'm really only "reacting" to what I think you're thinking. Yeah, I'm weird like that.

So, loyal (and not-so-loyal) readers, I hope to be able to actually give semi-regular updates once again. Just remember, I'm really only doing this for me (yes, I'm aware I'm talking to myself at this point), so don't expect TOO much. I'm only crazy, after all.

Sunday Reading: 6/5/11

Past: Reversed King of Cups

This is either me or my father. Here's the issue. For me, I know what I'm doing "wrong", and I know how to fix it. For my father, I just wish he'd TELL me when I'm upsetting him. He doesn't like to do that.

Present: XVI. The Tower

This is a portent of something terrible. But since this is my current state of mind, perhaps I am in the midst or on the verge of an earth-shattering revelation. Considering what this last week has been like... I hope it's for the better.

Future: Four of Coins

This next week is looking promising! Considering this summer is basically one big push for monetary gain (for tuition purposes, you understand), the stability foretold by this card is a blessing.

A Touch of Insanity

I've somehow gone almost 2 months posting every day. I'm not sure how I did it.

I don't believe it is possible to update daily anymore. No, nothing bad has happened, I just ran out of subject matter. Especially since it's "summer" right now. So, I'll probably have more to talk about in the fall, once school is in session again.

That doesn't mean I won't post, it just means I'm not going to post daily.

Sunday Reading: 5/22/11

Card of the Day:	Reversed Ace of Coins
Interpretation:	Maybe my timing's off, or I'm stupidly spending my money. I wouldn't be surprised.

Past: Reversed Star

Today, I've done this reading late. My day is already over, and this is actually the card for today, I fear. Disappointment, and the loss of a friend. I've made my decision. I can't, and I won't, turn my back on it now.

Present: Reversed Queen of Coins

The person I refer to above reminds of this card, or the card reminds me of him, one of the two. Yes, HIM. I'm not sure the Queen must be female, as the description (lazy, selfish, suspicious, unreliable) is perfect for him.

Future: Reversed Ace of Wands

My projects (and shopping) will be hectic this week. Too much is going on, and I don't have enough time to do it. Perhaps if I set my expectations to "slower", I can make it through safely.

Yesterday's Card:	The Devil
Reflection:	Perhaps the deck is just confused? I'm really clueless.

Oh Boy

Card of the Day:	The Devil
Interpretation:	Temp...tation? WHAT!? Goodness, it's hard to understand these cards during the summer.

They're making me watch Star Wars!

Ok, so I've somehow lived this long without seeing it. Yes, I admit it. It's not that hard to believe. I don't watch movies. I really don't. I don't watch TV series. I really don't. I haven't seen Star Wars. We're fixing this. Don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Nine of Coins
Reflection:	I... what?

You All Suck. Stop Making Me Write About You

Card of the Day:	Reversed Nine of Coins
Interpretation:	Theft? Of something of mine, or something I will do? Ugh, I don't like this at all.

Miracles can happen.

During my early adolescence, I was a very introverted person. Mind you, I've always been loud, which doesn't quite go with introverted, but it is possible to keep to yourself and be boisterous. Most people probably wouldn't believe me these days though. I'm rather extroverted these days. Although I can't point at any particular event or person as to why this is the case, I know that sometime during high school, I learned the true value of friendship. Not the "meaning", the value.

After this essentially life-changing discovery, I'm having problems stopping. I have made more friends in the last 2 years than I think I did in my entire time in elementary and middle school. But it's not a quantity that I desire, it's a quality. And that's the thing, I've been spending time to cultivate these new friendships. They aren't merely passing acquaintances that I desperately call "friends". I truly believe in these relationships, and I ensure that the anchor is as strong on my end as it is on theirs.

It is for this reason that I lift my head high every day. Yes, it's irritating when they're on summer vacation and I have to kick them out fairly early in the evening so I can go to sleep, but you know what? The fact that I have to kick them out just confirms what I want to believe: we are friends, in every sense of the word.

Huh, I'm pretty sure this post got away from me. Oops.

Yesterday's Card:	Queen of Cups
Reflection:	Ok, so she was on my mind, but I never actually got a chance to see her... I'm really confused!

Whoops

I honestly lost a day. I was SO scatterbrained this morning, that I can't remember my card for the day, I forgot all of my necessary role-playing materials for the session tonight. This is just BAD.

I apologize, there's really nothing I can post today. I lost it.

Connect the Dots

Card of the Day:	Queen of Cups
Interpretation:	...? I'm really not sure about this one.

It's not the things you do, it's the people you know. They're the ones that can get you resources beyond your personal reach. They're the ones that lift you up when you're down. Sure, a good deed here and there might lift your spirits, but you still have to do the good deed for someone. A rich life is full of other people that you love. Of course, alone time is necessary and valuable, but that doesn't mean you can't pick up the phone and call a friend when you need to.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed King of Coins
Reflection:	Right on the money. Come on man, get it together!

Falsify

Card of the Day:	Reversed King of Coins
Interpretation:	Superficial and lazy. Worthless. Perhaps not quite so... severe, but it is, unfortunately, accurate.

Have you seen my happy face?
I need to put it on
To hide the pain and sorrow:
Something others must not see.
I hide behind behind this mask,
Though something isn't right.
My world is collapsing,
Shattering, destroyed.
I hide behind this mask
To block the ceaseless tears.
I hide behind this mask
To prove that nothing's wrong,
When inside I'm really quaking,
Defeated, destroyed.

I wrote this poem in high school. To be honest, I'm not even sure why anymore. I know I did it as a cry for help (I attempted to post a bunch of copies around my school anonymously, but, thankfully, a teacher caught me in the act.), but I can't remember anymore what I was so upset/depressed/angry/whatever about.

What I do know is something good came out of this, and I use this poem as a symbol of my growth. I am a person who couldn't write something like this anymore. The emotion that led to this isn't there. While not the best poem, it is mine, and I will remember it always.

Yesterday's Card:	Nine of Swords
Reflection:	That's what it has to be. It IS what's on my brain, after all.

Help, I'm Drowning in a Sea of Role-Playing!

Card of the Day:	Nine of Swords
Interpretation:	See the card from 2 days ago. Perhaps there IS something that I am worried about. Or want and know I can't have. *whistles nonchalantly*

Ugh, this is terrible! I have been on SUCH an RP kick that it's all that's on my brain. Anyway, here goes.

A friend is GMing a single player Pokémon campaign for me. First, I love Pokémon in general, but the games and the anime have always been too kid friendly. Now, this campaign is not like those adaptations. Instead, this is a lot closer to Pokémon Special. Basically, it's a lot darker, with actual death, and even creepier and crazier abilities. Of course, the GM has changed the world to her specifications.

Well, my character is an odd one. Izlude Dralin comes from a family of Psychics, though they tend to keep quiet about it. They live in Petalburg City in the Hoenn region (here's where my Pokémon cred comes out). When he was six, the Champion himself helped him catch his first Pokémon, a female Poochyena, whom Izlude named Lana. At nine, he took a trip to Granite Cave by himself, because he's a little to adventurous for his own good. There, a Sableye possessed the poor child, due to his Psychic powers. The Sableye twisted those powers to its own purpose, allowing the Sableye to syphon energy from Izlude.

Izlude is a very athletic, bright, adventurous young man now, at age 17. He enjoys running, especially along the beach at sunrise. Lana, now a Mightyena, is always by his side, partly from love and loyalty, partly from Sableye's twisting of Izlude's powers.

Mind you, this Sableye, as much as it is a detail of Izlude, is a character in and of himself. Playing it is HARD, especially when you haven't yet treated it as a character. Ad libbing characterization is difficult.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Page of Coins
Reflection:	Yes. Yes I know who this is. Should I attempt to help?

Sunday Reading: 5/15/11

Card of the Day:	Reversed Page of Coins
Interpretation:	I think I know who this actually represents in my life now. Especially since this is similar to the last time this card came up.

Past: Two of Coins

I was juggling the summer activities with the pressure of finals. Accordingly, I somehow juggled them and succeeded.

Present: Knight of Wands

I am NOT a passionate young man! NOT I TELL YOU! I AM NO SUCH... ok, wow, I guess I am. As I have discovered, I have a passion for writing. Guess what I've been doing a lot of?

Future: Three of Coins

This is success with friends. Reconnections, forging new ones, and, in general, happy fun times all around. Somehow, I knew this would be the card for this week. Here's to a week of successful planning!

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Lovers
Reflection:	Is this supposed to represent longing for something I can't have? I'm positive I've come to terms with that, though...

Happy Time!

Card of the Day:	Reversed Lovers
Interpretation:	...? Ok, I have no idea. I really, really don't. It's exactly as implied, love lost. WHAT!?

I'll make this one short and sweet. I'M DONE. This semester is over, it is now "summer". Huzzah!

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Temperence
Reflection:	I think I have a lot of things on my mind or something. It must be that, because this doesn't make sense in any other interpretation.

The Evolution of Words

Card of the Day:	Reversed Temperance
Interpretation:	What am I forgetting to balance? What am I ignoring in favor of other things?

I love writing. It's a way to create a world without having to utilize my mediocre, at best, artistry. Of course, one needs a way with a words to be able to create such a world with writing, and hopefully you've realized by now that I do, in fact, have such a talent. Of course, I might just be pompous, but I do believe that my writing is at least sufficiently developed.

The thing I am discovering, though, is that I'm not very good at world creation. Remember, I have been doing a lot of role playing recently. What I'm learning is I'm not all that interested in the worlds that my characters explore. What I'm really interested in are the people. Worlds are merely places in which characters interact.

That said, the most important character when playing (not GMing) an RPG is your own. I have developed a strange (at least, I think it's strange) way of creating my characters. When I first create a character, I have barely an inkling of who he is supposed to be. I mean, I've got all sorts of stats written down so I can play the game mechanically, but I don't really know who my character IS yet. It's like meeting someone for an interview. You know what they're capable of, but you don't know who they are. But as I play them for a bit, a personality and background begin to form.

As an example, last night we started a D&D 4e campaign. I went in thinking that I was going to play a Half-Orc Warlord, but for some reason, my character is now a Hobgoblin Bard named Kol. I haven't a clue why (ok, so he's a Hobgoblin because of +2 Con +2 Cha, but a BARD? Huh). So, my newly created character needed a personality. I got as far as, ok, he's a Hobgoblin, so gruff and tough, before I ran out of pre-game ideas.

Somehow, "gruff and tough" became "military man", probably because I, for some reason, am playing a Bard that has no training in Diplomacy (I've got Intimidate instead) and no instrument. Yelling and singing are Kol's forte. Why? Well, I only started him last night. I don't know yet!

And thus the crux of my writing strategy: I do not write my characters. I come up with a basis for them, maybe a single aspect or two. I then start playing them and watch them evolve. A well-written character is its own living, breathing entity. I don't write my characters. I meet them, then I get to know them, like an acquaintance that turns out to be a good friend. Yes, I technically am the one that decides how the character reacts to any given situation, but in all honesty, it doesn't feel that way to me.

This is why I like role playing. Watching characters come to life is awe-inspiring, especially when they grow and change like a living being. I have no idea what is in store for Kol, but I'll be right there with him as he learns and discovers the world around him.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Ten of Wands
Reflection:	The burden is LIGHTENED. As in, it's fallen off. Whew.

Spence'd

Ok, I have to do this.

A good friend of mine introduced me to Spence a few weeks ago. Recently, I have started talking to the bassist and the singer. The friend and I have been "harassing" them so we can get more music. Spence has just put out its EP, and we're having fun getting "in" with these guys while they're getting big. The good news? Apparently we're funny :D

Either way, Spence is Hard Rock / Post-Grunge - Spence has been compared to artists such as Linkin Park, Breaking Benjamin, Shinedown, Three Days Grace, 30 Seconds To Mars. If you like any of those, you REALLY should check out Spence. Mostly because I'm telling you to, because they're awesome. Also, they're fun to talk to. I know, crazy, ain't it?

Told Through Eyes

Card of the Day:	Reversed Ten of Wands
Interpretation:	The burden is... off. Or at least I've set it down. Here's to hoping I remember to pick it back up.

Let's be honest with each other.

I know you want to tell me something.
I can see it in your eyes.

I'll listen.
You don't want me to.
But I'll listen.

The words are trapped behind your lips.
They twist and curl,
But your lips remain firmly shut.
Instead, your eyes betray your pain.

Shhh. Don't speak.
There are words you want to say.
I can hear them trying to break free.
I know you fight to swallow them.
The message is one you cannot share.

But I understand why you want to.
The reasons drip down your face,
Out of your eyes, into your hands.
While you fight to keep the words inside,
Their message speaks to me loud and clear.
Shhh. Don't speak, but don't push me away.

Your heart shines through your eyes.
There is nothing but pain and grief.
I wrap you in my arms: safe, secure, warm.
And in this haven, this sacred cocoon,
A flicker of hope appears.
Don't tell me, I can see you can't.
Love has no need for words.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Sun
Reflection:	False hope for today seems more accurate than failure yesterday. @%&#. Pardon my Hungarian.

Crescendo's Incants

Card of the Day:	Reversed Sun
Interpretation:	Pardon my French... but @#$*. This is, in fact, possibly the worst sign I could get in relevance to finals. Well, here's to hoping things go well.

Yesterday I posted Ishmael's incants. Today shall be Crescendo's. I need to have these lists SOMEWHERE... and I like the interwebs. (See this post for a character description)

• Enhance: It's fun to stay at the YMCA! It's fun to stay at the Enhance! (YMCA - Village People)
• Haven: Can't Touch This! Doo doo doo doo, doo doo, doo doo Can't touch this! Haven! (U Can't Touch This - MC Hammer)
• Heal: You can't stop the motion of the ocean or the sun in the sky. You can wonder if you wanna but I never ask why. Heal. (You Can't Stop the Beat - Hairspray)
• Religion Lore:
• Repulse Good/Neutral/Evil: You know I make you wanna run from me baby, but no it's too late Repulse! (Scream - Avenged Sevenfold)
• Reveal Magic/Supernatural Creatures: I can see what's happening, and they don't have a clue! Reveal! (Can You Feel the Love Tonight - The Lion King)
• Simon's Spell: Why don't you do what you say? Say what you mean? Oh baby one thing leads to Simon's Spell! (One Thing Leads to Another - The Fixx)

• Additional Armor and Damage vs. Supernatural:
• Bump of Direction:
• Create Holy Water:
• Foresee:
• Freeze Disease/Poison:
• Pay Advance (God's Boon):
• Know Religion:
• Supernatural Wathit:

• Life Spark: Just open your eyes. Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful. Will you swear on your life that no one will cry... Life Spark! (Life is Beautiful - Sixx A.M.)

Again, blank spells don't have incants yet, as I'm level 1 and haven't really played Crescendo yet.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Three of Coins
Reflection:	... I hate it when I'm right. Insert bombshell here.

Ishmael's Incants

Card of the Day:	Reversed Three of Coins
Interpretation:	In traditional interpretations, this means the opposite of success through hard work. In other words, failure through laziness. While I can see that being the case, I don't think that's really what's going to happen. The Three of Coins for me has indicated success in social situations, particularly among of friends... What will happen with the reverse?

Ok, so I'm going to store these somewhere anyway. I want them online, so I can access them from essentially anywhere, and I like to share them with other people.

Incants:
Any word in all caps is replaced, depending on the spell I am casting. I had too much fun writing them NOT to share them!

5 second
Generic:
"Emotion! Fool's Dream! Invoke the power of ELEMENT! NOUN's melody! Sing SPELLNAME!"
(SPELLNAME: ELEMENT, NOUN)
Brand(ing): Fire, Iron
Crash Time: Darkness, Star
Dead Eye: Wind, Arrow
Defense: Earth, Shield
Electrify: Wind, Lightning
Enthrall: Light, Honey
Lock: Wind, Key
Mend: Earth, Hammer
Reveal Magic: Light, Lens
Speak Easy: Wind, Voice

Awaken: Light, Sun
Fog Brain: Water, Mist
Mage's Script: Water, Ink
Message: Wind, Echo
Spook: Darkness, Ghost
Strong Arm: Earth, Sinew

Know Aura/Savvy:
"A suave and intelligent man such as myself would know something about you/this, right? Because I('m) Know Aura/Savvy!"

10 second
Generic:
"Cinco, fingers on a dying hand! Cuatro, words on a dying breath! Tres, promises made in love! Dos, eyes that will never open! Uno, the pact of the rose! VERB! SPELLNAME!"

(SPELLNAME: VERB)
Bloodhound: Search
Confusion: Muddle
Create Scroll: Create
Dropsy: Fumble
LI (Enhancement) +1: Believe
Weakness: Wither

Dispel Magic: Shatter
Fire/Ice/Lighting Strike: Burn/Cry/Burst
Spell Defense: Protect

15 second
Generic:
"To wit: redemption is the white wings hung as the veils of the righteous. Their catalyst belongs to life and death. Watch as they fall and envelop me! Make your choice! Hear love's final verse! PHRASE. SPELLNAME!"

Fire Trap: Only a thief can trick a thief
Fire Ball: Feast in celebration
Ice Ball: Sing in lamentation
Lightning Ball: Dance in exaltation
Mental Signal: You always know best
Missile Protection: Look out for me
Tracer:

Acuity: Surely you remember something
Concentration: I believe in angels
Enhanced Savvy: (I'm pretty sure I need to come up with a special incant for this one)
LI (Enhancement) +2: It is not by my power alone
Spell Negation:
Stun:
Telekinesis: Would you do me a favor?

Autocast: Her voice resides
Double Effect:
Polymorph:
True Sight:

Petrify: Let my grief become you
Spell Absorption:

Bolt: A lonely cry in the night
Wall of Fire/Ice/Lightning:

Blast: Heaven's voice roars
Killing Attack: Today you've chosen death
LI Extension:

Any and all blanks are to be filled in later. Spells are grouped by level, and I'm only level 4.

Yesterday's Card:	Knight of Cups
Reflection:	I only had opportunities to be myself yesterday... through role-playing. Ok, so I was amongst friends and family in such a way that I would be true to myself. This card does represent me. The me I so truly am.

Sunday Reading: 5/8/11

Card of the Day:	Knight of Cups
Interpretation:	... I still don't know what this means. Mostly because I claim I know myself. Maybe I'm just accentuating myself today? I don't know.

Past: Reversed Ace of Wands

Motivation? What's that? I barely scraped by this last week... and I'm just happy it's over.

Present: Reversed Seven of Wands

Finals? What are those? I'm essentially ignoring the fact that finals are right around the corner. I really should be studying hardcore for these, but I'm just kinda sliding along...

Future: Reversed Ace of Swords

It seems that impotence is ready to strike. We'll see if I can overcome my desire for things to already be done, and put in that effort I know I require.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Nine of Swords
Reflection:	I feel fantastic... although finals are looming. But they're just finals, you know? I've NEVER worried about finals.

What I Like About You

Card of the Day:	Reversed Nine of Swords
Interpretation:	...? I mean, I know I feel relieved, and I'm still on my whole "I'M SO DONE" high, but... oh. Right.

Mom, this is for you.

1. You've always trusted me. There were never restrictions on online or video game time. There were never any parental controls. And with that trust, you made me a man that IS trustworthy, because I wouldn't want to betray that trust of freedom.
2. You've always let me do what I wanted. Even when you suggested that I was doing "too many things" in high school, you only suggested. You never forced me to do anything I truly didn't want to do.
3. You've always comforted me. Even when I brought the stress upon myself from too much procrastinating, you were STILL there to comfort me, though you did point out that I'm an idiot. Oh well, I totally deserved it.
4. You try new things for and with me. As soon as I got into board games, you were there with me. Even if you're pretty sure you won't like it, you try it anyway. I love how you humor me.
5. You're resourceful. There are many times where you've helped me with a project, and if you couldn't, you knew who to ask. And you were never afraid to help me with anything. Even if you didn't understand it, you were a fantastic sounding board.
6. You are as much a part of my group of friends as the actual friends. We do all sorts of things together. I still remember that day I got home from work, and a friend pulled in right behind me, with you in the backseat. I hadn't even been at the same place as you guys! Yes, it was really weird, but it did remind me of all the things I love about you.
7. You are witty. You claim you're not, but you have a way with words that can't really be called anything else. Our verbal spars are some of the more enjoyable I have, though that's probably because every other one I've had devolves into setup and follow-through of the WORST dirty jokes ever...
8. You made me a geek. That Super Nintendo that started this whole thing? You brought it home. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
9. An extension of the above: you try. There are a lot of people in this world who won't step outside their comfort zones, even under pressure. You're not one of them. Yes, you love your comfort zone, but who doesn't? Even so, you try the things I throw at you, even if you're not sure you understand them. I love you for that.
10. You're beautiful. Ok, so that's probably weird coming from your son, but you know what? I'm saying it anyway. No one would believe you are actually the age you are, and you don't even use makeup! How many people have such a natural beauty as that? Not many, I would wager. So don't let anyone tell you that you are anything other than beautiful, because they would be lying.
11. You have a sense of humor. See your wit above. Pranks, jokes, riddles, and just witty statements, you've got them all. What's not to love?

So Mom, happy Mother's Day. I'm aware that telling the world how awesome you are probably isn't what you want me to do, but you always tell everyone you meet how awesome I am, so I'm just returning the favor.

I love you.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Nine of Swords
Reflection:	WE'RE DONE. I am SO done. Done. Done. Done... ok, so I need to study for finals. Whatever. They're not class, at least.

My Mother... My Sister

Card of the Day:	Reversed Nine of Swords
Interpretation:	A sense of repose from finality. In other words, moving on the from the darkness into the light. Specifically, it's the end of the semester. SWEET!

My relationship with my mother is a strange one. We do not treat each other in what most people would consider to be "mother/son" relations. I certainly don't treat her as my mother.

In reality, we have a "big brother/little sister" relation going. I look out for her, and she looks up to me. Like I said, it's weird. Honestly, though, we both love each other dearly, and I think that's what truly matters. Besides, she was probably one of the best mothers I could have asked for when I was little (more on that "tomorrow").

Just a little note: Mom, I love you. Don't EVER forget that. Even though we fight sometimes, I don't want you to forget for one instant how important you are to me. It's why we fight, actually. I want you to be the best you can be. I've seen things you are only just starting to discover, and I know you can do it. So let's rock the world, mmmk?

Yesterday's Card:	Seven of Wands
Reflection:	Well, even with the stuff I had to do yesterday (some of which were, in fact, difficult), I ended yesterday at the happiest I'd been a while.

A Gift of Story

Card of the Day:	Seven of Wands
Interpretation:	Today will be hard, but I'm going to overcome this. I will put in the effort, and I will reap the rewards.

So this, and the next 3 posts, are being posted on Sunday, May 8th, also known as Mother's Day. I must be honest. I'm not one for fanfare. I don't like giving gifts that will be forgotten in 4 weeks. There's no point. Things should not have their value based solely on the act of the gift, and as soon as that act is complete, they lose all value.

No, what I like to give are stories. Humorous or sweet, it doesn't matter. Creativity is key here.

So what did I get for my mom on Mother's Day? A rainbow. No, not a picture, not a prism that makes rainbows. I brought her home an honest-to-goodness natural rainbow, like a paint stroke in the sky. This is a funny story that should last much longer than some chocolate or breakfast in bed.

First, let me state that rainbows mean a lot to my mother. I don't know if it's the biblical symbolism or what, but rainbows put her mind at ease. Thus, this actually had value, even without the story. What happened is this: I was driving home from campus, when I saw the rainbow. I called my mother, and asked her to look outside. She didn't see anything, sadly. However, I noticed that I was moving only slightly faster than the cloud bank above me, and in the same direction, to boot. The sun was shining brightly behind me, thus, the rainbow. I kept her on the phone the entire time I was driving home, describing the rainbow I saw and how I was "bringing it home". About 3 minutes from home, my mother finally saw the rainbow. She was happy, and we were both amused how well that worked. So yes, I brought my mother home a natural rainbow for Mother's day.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Ten of Swords
Reflection:	It's definitely starting to wind down. Conclusions and endings are in sight.

Blank

Card of the Day:	Reversed Ten of Swords
Interpretation:	Let's call this the beginning of the end. We're not out of the woods yet, but at least the canopy is starting to thin.

Blank, white paper,
It's such a simple thing.
So enticing, my pen crawls closer.
But what to create? Where to begin?

A word. Stop.
Think, scratch out, and begin again.
A curve, a line, a shape,
And the world begins to form.

Crumpling, a cry of frustration,
Another set of words.
Lines grow and multiply
While color comes to life.

No. It is not right.
The words flow off the page.
No. It is not wrong.
Sifting through a torn heart.

Blank, white paper,
It's such a complex thing.
Words shape the mind's desires
And create the color of life.

Yesterday's Card:	Temperance
Reflection:	Well... it's a start. Let's hope I don't backslide AGAIN. No wait... I think I might be already. Dammit.

Role Play Rambling

Card of the Day:	Temperance
Interpretation:	Balance, in all that I do. Er, at least that's the goal.

Characterization is about watching a bunch of words become a living, breathing entity.

A good writer is just as surprised as his characters when events occur.

Evolution is not just for Darwinists or Pokémon.

Power gaming in role playing games is merely a substitution for personality.

Diversification in roles not only forces you to act outside yourself, you may find facets of yourself you were not aware of.

Acting is the act of portraying a character as a story unfolds around you. Role playing is the act of creating that story through the eyes of someone else.

The excitement of that natural 20 is nothing compared to the beauty of a well-executed plan. In other words, mechanical luck is nice, but it's the truly immersed gamer that derives the most enjoyment.

The beauty is not in what is described, but what it is written between the lines.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Ten of Wands
Reflection:	... Or we can just drop the pile ...

Words of Praise for Fishfood

Card of the Day:	Reversed Ten of Wands
Interpretation:	Ok, I've noticed the pile. Let's start digging through it.

Everything good that has happened to my social life in the last year is the fault of my high school choir director.

Current status: Last weekend was busy for me, as I had a LARP game, followed by two nights of concerts that I performed in. In addition, two weeks ago we finished a campaign using the Spirit of the Century system (see this post), and next week we are starting a Shadowrun campaign. What does this have to do with the director? Well...

The concerts should be obvious. If it weren't for my director, I wouldn't be singing. I'd probably still be too self-conscious to try it. Considering how therapeutic I consider singing to be, I wouldn't have it any other way.

On the other hand, the gaming seems to be kind of out there. It's not that I wasn't previously interested in gaming. I've been a gamer since I was five years old. No, what the director did is put me in the right place at the right time. In my college choir, I met two people. These people are a couple, and they invited me out to two different LARPs... and through them, I met all of these other people that are now friends. This never would have happened if I had never placed a priority on joining a choir.

The story of why I joined choir (and never looked back) is actually kind of funny. My freshman year of high school, I auditioned for the musical. Now, I had never really done any singing before (church doesn't count. They don't care how good you sound there), but I took a stab at it anyway, since I knew I wanted to act. At the end of the audition, the director looked straight at me and said, "You have a great voice. Why aren't you in choir?" It was such a poignant question, and I had no idea how much it would impact my life. I have been singing since that day, and I don't plan on ever stopping.

On a semi-related note, I don't really have an interest in acting anymore. Role-playing satisfies that itch for me, and I've also discovered that I have a hard time playing characters that have some sort of antithesis to my personality. The good news is that I'm so multifaceted that I can latch onto aspects of characters and bring those to the fore, but it also means that there are many aspects that I can't portray because they oppose one of my own. Voice acting, on the other hand, would be a lot of fun.

Yesterday's Card:	Ten of Wands
Reflection:	A burden I'm pretending isn't there, and thus adding to my struggles...

Sunday Reading: 5/1/11

Card of the Day:	Ten of Wands
Interpretation:	A burden. One I have chosen to place on myself instead of working separately. I am in trouble.

Past: Seven of Wands

There is opposition here. I want to overcome this, but it isn't as easy as I want it to be.

Present: Page of Wands

Oh the self-delusion of the actor. The creative process can fabricate anything, even an excuse. Sometimes, letting your creativity run wild, while ensuring your happiness, causes you suffering as well.

Future: The High Priestess

But even solutions can be found through the creative process. I just need to step back and think. I know how to overcome this. I just have to follow through on it.

Yesterday's Card:	Ten of Swords
Reflection:	I'm going to miss those people. Doesn't mean I won't see them again, but it does feel like something is ending.

Call Me Ishmael

Card of the Day:	Ten of Swords
Interpretation:	Perhaps the end of an era? Or the ignorance I still choose to display?

For today, I would like to describe my IFGS character, as I played a game today with him, and I have it on the brain.

Ishmael Azerus is a Magic User in the IFGS system. Many Magic Users call upon the power of forces outside themselves to cast their spells. Ishmael is no exception. At low levels, I am calling upon the elements themselves to invoke my spells. At mid levels, I am calling upon a promise I made to a dying woman (aka Ishmael's love). At high levels, I will begin to call directly upon the spirit of Ishmael's love.

Let me share my incantations. For low level spells, they must be 5 seconds long. Mid level incants are 10 seconds, and high level are 15 seconds.

5 second:
Emotion! Fool's Dream! Invoke the power of ELEMENT! NOUN's melody! Sing SPELLNAME!
(Where ELEMENT, NOUN, and SPELLNAME change depending on which spell I'm casting)

The idea here is Ishmael is drawing on the power of some element and object to cast a spell. For example, Defense increases Ishmael's armor. For Defense, the element is Earth, and the noun is Shield.

10 second:
Cinco: fingers on a dying hand! Cuatro: words on a dying breath! Tres: Promises made in love! Dos: Eyes that will never open! Uno: the Pact of the Rose! VERB! SPELLNAME!
(Where VERB and SPELLNAME change depending on which spell I'm casting)

The idea here is that Ishmael draws upon the power of his Pact. The verb just gives the spell direction. For example, Dispel Magic's verb is Shatter.

15 second:
To wit: Redemption is the white wings hung as the veils of the righteous. Their catalyst belongs to life and death. Watch as they fall and envelop me! Make your choice! Hear love's final verse! PHRASE. SPELLNAME!
(Where PHRASE and SPELLNAME change depending on which spell I'm casting)

And of course, the final leg of Ishmael's story. Ishmael wasn't always the best man (ok, he's still not, but he's "better"), so he is seeking redemption. After all, he promised his love he would. However, in this incant, Phrase needs to be approximately 2.5 seconds long. You can fit a lot of words in 2 seconds, so I have a lot of customization here. As I get the higher level spells, Ishmael will start talking directly to or about the spirit of his dead love. She is still there, living on through his promise and the Rose (no, her name is not Rose. Don't be silly). Two examples here: the spell Telekinesis does exactly what it sounds like. The phrase will be "Could you do me a favor?" My favorite example, though, is Blast, a very high level spell. The phrase for Blast is "Heaven's voice roars!" I have too much fun writing these incants.


Of course, everyone in my IFGS chapter is either extremely amused or extremely irritated by my Savvy incantation. Savvy lets me know what a magic item does. My incant for this spell is as follows:
"A suave and intelligent man such as myself would know something about this, right? Because I'm SAVVY!"

Yes, it's corny, but I love it anyway.

Yesterday's Card:	Knight of Cups
Reflection:	Every once in a while, we need a reminder of who we are and how we got there.

Catch Me When I Fall

Card of the Day:	Knight of Cups
Interpretation:	This doesn't tell me anything! I know who I am! ...Don't I? Maybe I don't. You know, I actually think I'm happy for this reminder.

I must be honest here: I am hurting. Read yesterday's post if you really want to know why.

But this morning, I took a step back. I reevaluated myself for a moment. Yes, I'm disappointed. Yes, I'm still struggling with my flaws. I can't accept that "everyone has their flaws". Just because they do doesn't mean I want to have them. Striving for perfection in all we do is part of the American Dream, isn't it?

But when I looked into my heart, I was reminded of something. There are chains attached to my heart. No, these aren't the chains of manacles and prisons. These chains form a net that lift me up out of the pit I've dug for myself. These are the bonds that bind me to my friends. My heart is filled with these chains.

So yes, I want to be upset with myself. I am upset with myself. But just knowing that there are people out there who love me for me forces the darkness away. While I can't necessarily see the end of this tunnel, I have a firm handhold that I know will lead out of the shadows.

For that, I thank you all.

Yesterday's Card:	Two of Cups
Reflection:	Well... I can't say I know exactly what this means, but I was greatly reminded of the harmony I share with other people yesterday.

Self-Disappointment

Card of the Day:	Two of Cups
Interpretation:	A harmonious partnership. This is a good thing, because my partner for this one class has been frustrating me to no end, and I don't know how to tell him that.

The problem with being a master of my own reality is that no one else can be blamed for the decisions I make. Often, it is an ease of the burden of life if we can blame forces outside of our control that shit happens to us. And to be honest, there are many times where shit does happen that affects our realities, and the causes lie outside our jurisdiction.

Which makes it all the more damning when the largest problems you face are entirely the result of your own actions. The last person you want to blame is yourself, because blame indicates fault, and we like to see ourselves as perfect beings. Now, understand that in this case, "perfect" does not mean "faultless". Most people realize that they have faults, yet they accept and work to improve themselves to whatever their ideal is. It hurts when we realize we have not made that progress that we so desire.

I know my fatal flaw. While I understand that I may have some other flaws, there is none so damning as Sloth. I won't pretend I'm not greedy, but from a selfish standpoint, I honestly don't think I'm all that selfish, but I do know that there are many things I want. I just don't want to put in the effort to get them.

And it hurts. It hurts to know that I am wasting my intellect on pointless games and diversions when I could use it for the betterment of the world. Unfortunately, I've reached the point where I need to put in some major effort to break beyond the confines of my own psyche, but I don't have the willpower to do so. Motivation has always been a problem for me. There's never been a sturdy goal in my mind to work toward. It's always been "maybe this will work," and it just sort of does. And if it doesn't? Revise my standards and try something else.

In my schoolwork, I've always subscribed to "Once and it's done." No revisions. No corrections. It's written, it's finished. That supposedly doesn't work in the world. I have yet to see evidence that this is the case. I have reaped great rewards from this philosophy. After all, I'm here at the UW - Madison, aren't I? That takes a bit of effort, supposedly.

Effort? What's that?

I have great talent in many things. Musicality, memory, and logic are my three greatest gifts. In my world, I have yet to need to expand any of them. I am still exploring the inside of all three gifts. Unfortunately, I am running out of room to explore. I need to break beyond the boundaries to realize my full potential.

They say you should never say can't. Well, guess what? I can't break those boundaries.

I am 20 years old. I turn 21 in 3 months. I have yet to learn how to break my boundaries. I have never stepped out of my comfort zone. I have never put myself out there for all to see.

Do you think you know me? I don't think you do.

My understanding is that elementary school is designed to teach you the basics, and also to introduce you to a world where Mommy and Daddy aren't always around. Ok, I think I got those.

Junior High and High school eludes me, though. It seems to me that it exists to prepare you for college. It exists to cause social development and prepare you for a "real" life. It should allow you to expand your horizons, and find yourself.

Well, I found myself. I know exactly who I am, but what I don't know is who I could be. I have yet to step outside myself and become more, because I have never needed to. Everything that has EVER been required of me is within my spheres of capability. I have never needed to grow. My talent was always good enough.

College is different, though. College does force you to become something more. It's why you go there. To grow, to learn, to be more than you were before. The bad news? I feel like I'm becoming LESS as the years go by. Each semester, I can see my standards revise. I can see my desires become more and more... outlandish? I'm not sure what the word is, but "unright" would be the best way to describe it. It's as if my "Once and done" policy is folding in on me. I'm not sure I'm stagnating. I think I'm changing still, but in the wrong direction.

And more than anything else, I just feel empty inside. I know I should be feeling some form of pain. I know I should work to heal the wound I know I am causing myself. But I can't feel it.

It's not that I don't believe I can change. Anyone can change. But I don't think I have the strength to change myself for the better. Not now. Not after cruising by for my entire life. When it's sink or swim, it's either learn to swim REALLY FAST, or die trying. I've been sinking in the slowest quicksand ever. They say if you just stop, you'll float to the top in quicksand, but not this stuff. I'm sinking lower and lower.

There are people who are worse off than me. I'm aware. But disappointment hurts more than many things, because it's a hurt that leaves you empty, and not in pain.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Empress
Reflection:	...Nothing. Yesterday was worthless. I don't even want a refund, because I was the one that squandered it. I feel so... empty.

Empty

Card of the Day:	Reversed Empress
Interpretation:	Superficial, lazy, and if I may be so bold... broken.

Posting every day is hard. There's a good chance that at some point, I might just start using a post for the two sections... above and below.

Yesterday's Card:	Two of Coins
Reflection:	Even this cold won't prevent me from singing! Come to my concert this weekend! If I know you read this blog, I've already invited you, so no details will be listed here.

Lights, Camera, BOREDOM!

Card of the Day:	Two of Coins
Interpretation:	Success in endeavors, but keep your day job. There shall be happiness, but not necessarily in the main endeavor.

Haven't you ever wanted to see a favorite character brought to life on the big screen? I actually haven't. I don't watch movies. It's not that I don't like them. "Recent" movies I have greatly enjoyed are Inception and Law Abiding Citizen. So why don't I watch them?

It is clear to me that movies are merely another medium for storytelling, with certain aspects necessary for its medium that don't appear in other mediums, such as literature or theater. Specifically, camera and lighting work (which is different from theater lighting. I think). But the most important issue, to me, is the length of movies. It's not that I can't do something for 2 hours non-stop. It's that I can't have my hands or mind idle that long. I don't want to sit there and watch something for a few hours. I want to DO stuff, even if that stuff is making silly comments about confetti!

Now, let me compare movies to other forms of storytelling: literature, theater, and TV.

Literature engages the mind much more than movies do. Not only do you have to interpret what the words mean, but you have to create a mental picture to keep track of what's going on. That is much more enjoyable than watching the picture already given to you. In addition, there's a certain tactile pleasure in flipping pages (or holding something that isn't a remote. I greatly prefer reading online materials on my laptop than on a desktop).

Theater's only difference from movies is locale. When you watch movies in your own home, there are so many other things to DO that actually involve DOING stuff that I always have preferences to those. In a cinema, it's a lot harder to make stupid comments without offending someone else. But in a theater, where the actors are present on the stage, live, it seems somewhat irreverent to make such comments. Thus, I have no desire to do so, and I can enjoy the story for what it is. That, and I have a soft spot for musicals, and I'm always seeing musicals in theater, as opposed to plays.

Television has one major difference from movies: commercials. I always have something else to do during the commercials, so I'm not bored out of my mind. It makes it easier to keep my attentino on the show when it IS on.

So it's not that movies aren't interesting. It's that I have many, many things I prefer to them.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Four of Wands
Reflection:	Well THAT was unexpected. A broken partnership...

As If

Card of the Day:	Reversed Four of Wands
Interpretation:	Incompleteness. Something is broken. The good news: I know what it is. The bad news: I'm not sure I have the proper tools to fix it.

I whisper in your ear.
I squeeze your hand.
I kiss your cheek,
As if you would believe me.

I plead with my eyes.
The tears begin to slide.
I hold you one last time,
As if you really cared.

I stare at the floor.
I glance at the sky.
I hold your gaze,
As if I could speak.

But you stand up.
You turn your head.
You walk away,
As if I disappeared.

Time ebbs, flows, and passes.
Life carries on.
The clock keeps ticking,
As if nothing happened.

My heart burns.
I cry your name.
I weep alone,
As if you would return.

I write a letter:
A simple poem of love,
A broken scroll of fear,
As if you would listen.

The empty spaces fade.
The tide slips away.
The sky frowns on earth,
As if the world would end.

The eyes bleed.
The throat is silent.
The sleep comes in stillness,
As if no one was there.

This is the last of my old poetry I will be posting for a while (Unless I can find Falsify. There's a story behind that one.). This one has no particular reason, I just really like it. Yes, it's creepy. Yes, it's vague. That's the point. That's how I like to write. It's the reason I prefer poetry to actual writing. I can leave out details and no one blinks an eye. Most of the story is implied.

And no, I don't have psychological issues, and if I do, they would hardly be considered severe. I just used to like morbid poems in high school, just like every other whiny emo teenager. ;)

Yesterday's Card:	Page of Swords
Reflection:	And I blew it again.

Sunday Reading: 4/24/11

Card of the Day:	Page of Swords
Interpretation:	A message of enlightenment! Or at least learning and studying. Good news!

Past: Three of Swords

A hiccup in the road of life. It's not as heartwrenching as this card implies, but it's there. The depression exists, but...

Present: Ten of Cups

There is a ray of sunlight, in the hope of a warm fire. There is love and completeness. The heart is full of love, connected to others in unbreakable bonds.

Future: The Moon

But what is ahead is unknown, and unknowable, but what we predict causes apprehension. there are worries, but we brace ourselves and walk forward proudly.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Three of Wands
Reflection:	... I'm getting better and predicting pretty much exactly what these mean. Either that, or I'm choosing to fulfill them myself. Friggin' self-fulfilling prophecies...

Closed Iris

Card of the Day:	Reversed Three of Wands
Interpretation:	It's going to be hard for me to get anything accomplished today. Aside from the implications here of pride (and a refusal to change, since that's where I am right now), I am sick. Nothing serious, but I'm really listless (and useless) right now.

Perhaps... a dream
Slowed into stasis,
Taking the time to tarry
For a toast to tribulation.

Swirling clouds of dust
Sweep tentatively across the floor,
Leaving delicate footprints
On the moonlit sand.

The foam of the waves
Becomes trails of lace,
Gracing a life-long hope
With a haunting seam.

Watching, waiting
In a field of silence.
As a doll dances
Through the silver clouds.

One thought bubbles:
“To be or not to be?”
Is, was, am, are, were
Or even will be...

Something to be left
Once, forever, in a dream
With grace, a dance magnificent.
An illusion, a beautiful vision.

What if the eyes open?
What could be seen in the rosy glass?
Trapped in a darkling bottle,
Sailing on an endless sea.

Awaken to a strange new world:
One filled with tears and sweat,
Where faces scream in silence,
And all is black, black, black.

The dirty, rusting promises
Slowly snap in half.
The strands of reality
Unravel like thread.

Return once more to a land
Where chaos reigns supreme,
Yet still offering solace
From the bustling landscape.

Perhaps... a dream:
To collect one’s thoughts,
To scoff at the shelf
Of life’s last hurrah, and laugh.

This was my poem for our poetry unit in AP English, way back in my senior year of high school. I have always enjoyed writing poetry, and this was no exception. The assignment was to write a poem on any subject with a minimum of 6 different poetic techniques. I won't go through what techniques I chose here (I think I might still have that file somewhere, but I don't want to look for it), but I hope you can enjoy it as it is.

Yesterday's Card:	Ace of Wands
Reflection:	It's a start. I'm not perfect by any means, but I at least have found the path I want to walk. At least, I think I have.

Puzzle Peaces

Card of the Day:	Ace of Wands
Interpretation:	I have the power! No seriously. This claims to be a new beginning. All I have to do is reach out and seize it. Think I can do it?

I am silk.
I float gently on translucent wings.
I am on the lips of every crying child.
I am the prayer of every frightened mother.
What am I?

I am peace.
I am silence.
I am the shoulder to cry on.
I am the arms with an embrace.

But I am alone.
I whisper glimmering words.
Unheeded, they fall to the ground.
Flames dance upon innocent faces,
And I burn.

I was peace.
I was silence,
But I have drowned in a bloody river.
I am lost in the despairing moans.

I can’t hear.
My sheltering arm is dead.
The children who call my name,
The mothers who cry for help,
All are silenced.

I was peace.
I was silence,
But War has taken my name,
And Death has taken my face.

Heed them not!
The peace of War is but a sham,
And Death brings naught but silence.
Yet their honeyed words and golden lies
Fool them all.

Words of peace,
Words of silence,
I would give the world to them,
Yet still they turn away.

I am gold.
I am more valuable than diamonds.
I am what every child wishes for
When thunder rumbles in the distance.
What am I?

I am a dream.
I am an illusion.
I am what everyone wishes for,
But nobody seems to want.

What am I?
I was peace.
I was silence.
But now... I am gone.

This is an original piece I used for a Forensics competition my senior year of high school. I "performed" it in addition to Lord Byron's "Darkness" with the theme of "What is Peace?" This is, in my opinion, one of my best works. Of course, an artist's opinion of his own work tends to be rather useless or contrary, but hey, someone has to see it first, right?

Yesterday's Card:	Three of Cups
Reflection:	I had a mini-celebration of life yesterday. It wasn't an All-Campus party, but it was uplifting nonetheless.

Future Musings

Card of the Day:	Three of Cups
Interpretation:	It's the All-Campus party today, but what does that have to do with me?

I am almost finished with my third year of college. Unfortunately, I will have to go an extra semester over the 4 years, because general advisors have no idea what they are talking about, or they do and tell you the wrong stuff so you stay longer and pay the school more money. I'd like to think people aren't that conceited, though.

Frankly, I'm not sure how upset I am about that. Graduation scares me. This is definitely a case of "don't rock the boat." When I graduate, I will probably have to move in search of a career. If I do, I'll be leaving a bunch of friends and connections behind. I am well aware that with today's technology, it is easy enough to keep in contact with people, and even interact with them on a regular basis. Honestly, it's just not the same. I am already experiencing this with some of my friends going to college. Frankly, I think it's a fluke that I've met all of the wonderful people that are in my life right now. I don't even want to consider how I'll rebuild those connections in a new locale.

At the same time, as I write this, I remembered something. I have had experiences with technology and a friend in New York that gives me hope for the future. I interact with him nearly every day. Really, it's like he's not even gone. Perhaps the future isn't as scary as it wants to be. Yes, a lot of things will change, but "everything" is not one of those things. My connections will remain, and I will utilize them to strengthen myself in everything I do.

Yesterday's Card:	Six of Coins
Reflection:	... Somehow, I feel like this project has been a charity case. Except I at least offer a few "wait a minutes!".

Step onto the Stage

Card of the Day:	Six of Coins
Interpretation:	Giving and charity are written in this card. Does it mean I will receive, or does it mean I will give? I hope it really means teamwork, because I can see that working today.

Sometime in the future, probably after I graduate from college, I will learn how to play that bass guitar sitting in my bedroom. I want to be a member of a band. I want to make music. The thing is, I don't know where to begin. I am not a music writer, as I haven't had a lick of music theory education WHATSOEVER. However, I CAN write lyrics, so I'm not completely useless.

Frankly, when it comes down to it, I want to sing in a rock band. Yes, I have every intent of learning to play the bass, but that isn't really my true passion. I'll admit, I don't have the crazy high Tenor voice that most lead singers tend toward in the Rock world (I actually am a second Tenor, so I have a higher voice, just can't hit those REALLY high notes), but that won't stop me from trying. Again, I enjoy writing lyrics (an evolution of my poetry, I guess), and I hope that someday I'll be able to share those lyrics with the world. It's good to have a dream, isn't it?

I can't see myself being famous. This would be a hobby more than anything, but you never know, life works in mysterious ways.

Yesterday's Card:	Seven of Swords
Reflection:	I keep fluctuating between changing for the better, and reverting to my procrastinating ways. Changing is hard.

Spirit Quotes

Card of the Day:	Seven of Swords
Interpretation:	Deception. While the idea here is that someone is entering into my world through underhanded means, I'm pretty sure it's my subconscious actually escaping through the window with something I really need to know.

This last Sunday, we finished a scenario in a Spirit of the Century campaign. Needless to say, it was fantastic. It was tense, and we nearly lost. Pulled it out in the end... but AGH!

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because THIS page needs to be shared. This is a collection of quotes said during the game. Some are awesome, some are just plain hilarious. Not all are original, but the fact that they came up in natural course of play should give you some idea of how crazy we are. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yesterday's Card:	Two of Wands
Reflection:	I want to focus on this change. This choice to change. I'm not sure I can do it, but dammit, I will try.

Reading: My Worst Enemy

Card of the Day:	Two of Wands
Interpretation:	Have you noticed that I seem to keep getting the same cards? I have. I think I'll make the choice to change today. I don't think it'll be immediate, but I can at least begin.

I love to read. There is no question as to whether or not I will read a book a friend reccommends. The answer is yes, as soon as I find a copy. Of course, if someone were to ask me whether or not I read on a regular basis, the answer might be surprising.

I do not read on a regular basis.

As I should have made clear, I love to read. Often, there is nothing I would rather do more. Information overload is something I enjoy, and I even prefer role-playing games to other genres for this very reason. There is so much to read and discover!

So why don't I read books very often?

Because I'm so passionate about them. Whenever I read a book, I tend to read it to the exclusion of everything else. I don't socialize. I don't do homework. Hell, I would read it at work. Most importantly, I don't sleep. I have to finish that book now. Yes, I know it will be there tomorrow. That doesn't stop me from wanting to finish it now!

Yesterday, I mentioned in my post that I pulled an all-nighter. I found an online serial that I had to read. Unfortunately, by the time I had convinced myself that it was a good idea to stop reading and get some sleep... I had to be up in 3 hours. Knowing myself, that was a worse idea than just staying up, so I finished the series. I hate myself for that. I want to read more and more books and stories. I don't want to stop, but I need to in order to function in society properly. The farther I get out of high school, the less I read because I have more responsibilities. The world is an evil place. One thing that people are encouraged to do more of is the exact opposite of what I need to do.

I promise, one of these days I will pull myself together and successfully read a book at reasonable hours with actual breaks of getting stuff done.

Yesterday's Card:	Three of Coins
Reflection:	I swear, this doesn't mean success so much as further connection with my friends.

Sunday Reading: 4/17/11

Card of the Day:	Three of Coins
Interpretation:	Perhaps I'll get the necessities done today, though that will be very difficult.

Past: The World

There is a sense of completion. Connections were forged, not necessarily anew, but stronger. It is not my journey that is complete, but I am complete amongst friends.

Present: Reversed Nine of Swords

There is a certain amount of peace. Not because that there is nothing to worry about, but because I'm not worrying about the things I should be worrying about. I need to focus and get things done so they are no longer hanging over my head while I continuously ignore them.

Future: Reversed Seven of Cups

The illusion is gone. Is there even hope for change? But even with the hope dispersed, there is the possibility of seeing the one true path as the veil falls.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Death
Reflection:	So I pulled an all-nighter. More details tomorrow. This is NOT changing, as I KNEW this would happen.

Only Once

Card of the Day:	Reverse Death
Interpretation:	That scares me. I know I want to renew myself. I want to become "better". But that part of me is losing. I love the person I am. I only want to change a few things. And those are the hardest parts to change.

What?

It's not like we've ever been here before.
You know, the fighting, the crying, the screaming.
It's never happened.

I knew you'd say that.

I know "I don't appreciate you".
You've told me before.
When was the last time you've said something worth listening to?

It's just a cycle.

You want me to be the perfect guy for you.
But I can't change so easily.
Especially not when you want me to be that.

That's not who I am.

I won't be your man.
I can't be. You don't want me.
Not the me that I truly am.

Back up, back off.

You say understanding is necessary.
So why can't you understand the things I'm saying!?
I only have one more thing to say.

We're done.

Yesterday's Card:	Reverse Death
Reflection:	... Maybe I don't want to change?

Games Games Games

Card of the Day:	Reverse Death
Interpretation:	Stagnation. I want to change, but something's preventing me. I blame Sloth.

I have far too many games. Home console, handheld, board games, I have too many. I don't play computer games much, though. I think it's because I like the feeling of a controller in my hand more than I like mouse/keyboard. Or maybe because my computer isn't good enough to play the latest games. Or that I have a Mac. But whatever it is, I don't really play computer games.

First and foremost in my life, I am a gamer. I play games for their entertainment value, to pass the time, and to connect with people. There's only so much you can learn about a person by sitting down and talking to them. Get them into a game, however, and you learn so much more about the person than you ever would through hours of small talk. Plus, meeting through a common interest, such as gaming, makes a much firmer foundation for a budding friendship than mere acquaintance does.

At some point, I'm going to go through each of the games I have and expound their virtues while bashing them for random other reasons. Not only does this allow me to rant about my favorite games, it also lets me remember which games I still need to finish! Trust me, it's a lot more than you think.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Five of Wands
Reflection:	I'll be honest. I'm not sure what this even means.

Life and Fantasy

Card of the Day:	Reversed Five of Wands
Interpretation:	Destructive conflict. BUT I HAVE STUFF I NEED TO GET DONE!

Fiction is fun to read. I have enjoyed books from all genres, but as you can probably guess, I tend to gravitate toward fantasy. But there is a specific subgenre of fantasy, often found in webcomics, that I enjoy the most: "Life Embellished". Basically, it is the normal world where weird crap happens.

Let me give a few examples:

• El Goonish Shive
  
  This comic is about a group of 8 teenagers. It's either about how they save the world through magical force while going to high school. Or it's about the drama that 8 high school teenagers have to deal with while crazy magical crap happens. We're not sure. Also, gender-benders, space aliens, and personality powers. The only problem is that the pacing is lacking. It's better than it sounds. Honest.
• Emergency Exit
  
  A bunch of people live in an apartment building that contains a portal to other dimensions. They are all in the building because they all have some manner of skilled expertise that allows them to beat the crap out of enemies. Some of them are still figuring out what that is. Still, there's a lot of focus on their normal lives and relationships, and not just the fantastic elements.

I think I enjoy this genre the most because it is closer to home. I prefer fantastic stories as a form of escapism, because reality is slightly too boring for me. This genre is basically "Hey, this could happen to me!" Not that it ever will, but one can have unrealistic fantasies, can't they?

Yesterday's Card:	The High Priestess
Reflection:	What the hell is wrong with me? I can't seem to get anything done whatsoever!

I Need a Nap

Card of the Day:	The High Priestess
Interpretation:	A representation of the subconscious. Is my brain telling me something I'm not listening to? (I wouldn't be surprised...)

Sleep is a fickle thing. It is necessary for survival and remaining coherent. It is necessary for focus. And it seems that students never have enough of it. I am no exception (just see yesterday's post!).

Here's my problem: I am not tired when I need to hit the sack. I get up fairly early every day, and there are many days where I can barely function due to lack of sleep. Even on those days, however, I am unable to sleep at the necessary hour, so the cycle continues. I am unsure as to why this is.

I remember hearing of a study that showed that teens and young adults are biologically wired to sleep at later hours than adults. This certainly seems true to me. I have discovered that I should be getting between 8 and 9 hours of sleep at night. I am most awake when I can get to sleep at midnight and wake up at 9. What strikes you as odd about those hours? Well, for starters, 9 is about 3 hours AFTER I need to be awake. The world just does not accept the fact that I have a slightly strange sleep schedule through no fault of my own.

Perhaps I am merely ranting in my continued incoherency. I attempted to get enough sleep last night, and for all intents and purposes, I believe I was successful. So why the heck am I still so friggin' tired!?

Yesterday's Card:	Knight of Cups
Reflection:	I think this just told me who I am, or something. I don't know, I was REALLY incoherent yesterday.

Mission: Incoherent

Card of the Day:	Knight of Cups
Interpretation:	Is this... me? Charm, introspection, empathy? I mean, that's really who I am. Am I the Knight of Cups?

I have to be honest. I have 3 different topics I attempted to write about today. It didn't work. I am so sleep deprived that I can't focus long enough to write anything coherent right now.

Perhaps the rest of this week will be sleep, poetry, and altered reality. Who knows?

Yesterday's Card:	Three of Coins
Reflection:	Yesterday wasn't that bad. Thank you world.

Go Away! Can't You See I'm Reading Lore Here!?

Card of the Day:	Three of Coins
Interpretation:	This is a portent of success. I greatly appreciate this fact, because I was convinced this day was gonna suck. I hope the deck is right!

The more I play games, the more I discover what I like about them.

I love the story. Gameplay can be fine, there are many games that are nothing but gameplay, with only a pretense of a story. Those can be entertaining, but I have a hard time enjoying them as something more than a mere diversion. I want characters. I want events. I want history. I want LORE. I'm not asking for anything grandiose. I don't need an entire backstory novel to go through, but I do want to know why that corpse is in that cage.

Metroid Prime (the series as a whole, actually, but this one does it the best) is quite possibly the ultimate example of this. Metroid Prime has an item called the Scan Visor. You have it from the beginning of the game, and with it, you can scan objects and creatures to gain information about them. You have a logbook that gets filled with different things as you go. There are creatures, pickups, and clues, but most importantly, there is LORE. There are 2 types, Space Pirate and Chozo lore. Space Pirate lore fills the gaps between Metroid and Metroid Prime (canon chronology). Chozo lore tells the story of the Chozo civilization that lived on Tallon IV previously, and the disaster that struck the planet. While Metroid Prime is really all about exploration and discovery, the lore is what made me fall in love with the game. If you think about the background of the game, most of the stuff littered around the game actually makes sense for it to be there. It. Is. Awesome.

As a side note, Metroid Prime 2 is an inferior game to the masterpiece that is Metroid Prime, but I believe that the Lore located in that game is MUCH more interesting than that of Metroid Prime, but I think I'll save that for a later post.

The main reason I bring this up, though, was introduced in the first paragraph. As I play role-playing games with friends, I find that I am caring less and less about the mechanics of the system. I don't really care for optimizing my accuracy or my damage. I want to find the mysteries and solve them. I like being made to think, to put 2 and 2 together. It's not logic puzzles that excite me in these games; that's not what I'm attempting to say. Motives, locations, and trying to figure out where to be and what to do at the right time. That makes me happy.

On a side note, fellow IFGS players, there's a reason I have a book of Legend Lore and Heraldic Lore 1/day each. Information and lore, that's what I like. After all, a suave and intelligent man such as myself would know something about this, right? Because I'm savvy!

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Strength
Reflection:	No, not ego. Confusion, laziness, and all-around worthlessness. Damn, everything was going so WELL!

Sunday Reading: 4/10/11

Card of the Day:	Reversed Strength
Interpretation:	Mental state. I'm too happy, and I have somewhat of a large ego.

Past: Reversed Tower

Emergence from disaster. Things are looking up.

Present: Devil

Certain... complications have arisen. I know they're there. I know I want them, but let's NOT pursue them, mmk?

Future: Ace of Wands

Oh, now THAT is a good sign. Power for change. I like!

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Devil
Reflection:	I'm... not sure. I claim I "resisted temptation," but what do I know?

Oddcon is...

Card of the Day:	Reversed Devil
Interpretation:	Looks like I should look out for people selling bridges... I guess.

IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA!

I played my Agent (see previous post) for the first time yesterday. I had entirely too much fun singing lyrics to cast my spells.

YOU CAN'T STOP THE BEAT!

In other news, political commentaries, sci-fi charades, and Rock Band :D

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Chariot
Reflection:	I'm glad I didn't do the recruitment yesterday, because we had a GOOD turnout!

Are You Ready to Oddcon?

Card of the Day:	Reversed Chariot
Interpretation:	Hmmm... that's not good. I think my little scheme for recruitment will have to wait for tomorrow. Looks like it won't work well today.

Oddcon is this weekend! And you should totally go. It's $25 for a single day's admission, and there's plenty to do! There's a good chance I'll be in the IFGS room, so check us out! (Yes, I'm aware that maybe 5 people read this, and they already know. Do it anyway ;) )

IFGS stands for International Fantasy Gaming Society... though I'm not sure it's actually international. Whatever. We're a not-for-profit organization for social purposes, particularly LARPing. Choose a class, pick up a foam sword, and yell numbers at the people you're hitting! Ok, honestly, there's more to it than that, but that's a good place to start.

My character is a Magic User, so I stay in the back and sling spells at people... though, of course, I don't get the cool ones until higher levels. I plan on making a Cleric and a Monk in the future. And don't worry, if you like gimmicky characters, we LOVE those. If you don't like gimmicky characters, we LOVE those too! So come out and join us!

Ok, I'm done with my recruitment speech. I'm going to list my character concepts!

Magic User: Ishmael Azerus
Magus of the Rose
There was a time where Ishmael was a nasty con man. You wouldn't believe that looking at him now. He's done with his cheating, tricky ways. You see, he met this girl... well, actually, he doesn't like talking about her. Not anymore. Let's just say that she's the reason for pretty much everything about him right now, and leave it at that.

Cleric: Agent BA-6 "Crescendo"
Elite Beat Agent
The EBA are a group of "Men in Black" that, essentially, perform miracles through the power of music. No, it doesn't make sense, but it still works!

Monk: 0. The Fool
The Traveller
I don't have all that great a concept here yet, but I'd like to make a character based on the Tarot. We'll see how that works out.

Yesterday's Card:	Eight of Swords
Reflection:	Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not free yet. But I definitely managed to get an arm free, and there's a lockpick in my hand. Now, if only I can figure out how to pick the lock...

Gamer's Games

Card of the Day:	Eight of Swords
Interpretation:	Trapped in the ways I go. Sadly, this isn't telling me anything I don't know. But perhaps now that it's out in the open, I can escape it.

More than anything else, I love to play games. Role playing games, board games, Live-Action role play, video games, card games. I am a gamer. This is a fact of life.

When it comes to video games, my preferred genre is Role playing game. Tactical, turn based, action, I don't care. I enjoy Final Fantasy Tactics, Persona 4, and Kingdom Hearts. I begin here because I love to talk about games. Strategy, plot analysis, mechanic analysis, it's all fun and games to me. I'm not going to start today, because I don't have a good game in mind. I'm currently playing Pokémon Diamond (yes, I'm back a generation) in an attempt to fill the Pokédex. When I have the time, I'm currently playing Marvel vs Capcom 3, which I'm not that good at. I'm trying to improve, but I just don't have the time! Oh the woes of being a student gamer.

Now that I've introduced my passions, I'm going to just dive in next time I want to talk about games :)

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Seven of Coins
Reflection:	Yesterday was, perhaps, a day where I have been the most frustrated without a good explanation. Not a good thing.

It's a Musical Life

Card of the Day:	Reversed Seven of Coins
Interpretation:	Anxiety? Check. Impatience? Check.

I have a problem: I love to sing.

I constantly have a song stuck in my head, and if the area around me is silent, I start to sing. Not hum, sing. Now here's the thing. I am in a choir, and I know SOME choral pieces and solos, but that is not my preferred choice of genre. I listen almost exclusively to rock and "metal". Mind you, "rock" is such a broad catch-all term that I actually listen to a wide range of stuff. From pop rock to nu-metal, I probably would listen to it (I'm not a huge fan of classic metal or death metal). One caveat, I have to be able to sing along to it. It's the main reason I don't listen to death metal: what on earth are they saying?

I've had this argument many, many times. I do not believe death metal screaming in music is necessary, or even has any value at all. The argument I've been told before is that "it conveys the emotion better". Ok, so you have this anger, and it would sound "wrong" if you conveyed it through pretty singing. That I can understand, but it is wrong. Yes, if you're not careful when singing, you can ruin the emotion. One of the things I have been learning in choir is how to convey emotion through the singing, anger is no exception. For an example, I will point you to the band Disturbed. No, I will not claim they are the best band out there (I like them, but art is subjective), but the vocalist knows how to inflect anger in his singing. But most importantly, you can UNDERSTAND what he's saying.

Note that last part. There are some bands that utilize death metal screaming that I listen to, although the songs that make heavy use of it are generally tuned out when they come up. I listen to All that Remains, Bullet for my Valentine, Chiodos, and Rise Against. The difference between them and most bands that use screaming? You can actually understand what they're saying! If you can't pick up the lyrics through casual listening, the singer is doing it wrong.

Of course, there are people who listen to the instrumentation as well, and enjoy guitar riffs and solos more than the singing. There are merits there, but I focus almost exclusively on the voicing and the rhythm. It's a bad habit of mine, so I apologize.
On that note, here are my top 5 bands, in no particular order:

• Blue October - Beautiful lyrics, a singer who's range is only slightly higher than mine, instead of playing around in the stratosphere, and a violinist. So much yes.
  • Genre: Rock
  • Top three songs:
    
    • Into the Ocean
    • Balance Beam
    • Picking up Pieces
• Rise Against - Mature topics to a driving beat, and the singer has a "hardcore melodic" style to his voicing. Very enjoyable, though it irritates me to no end that his range his higher than mine.
  
  • Genre: Punk
  • Top three songs:
    
    • The Strength to Go On
    • Dancing for Rain
    • From Heads Unworthy
• Boysetsfire - Very politically charged. Beautiful voicing and excellent topics.
  
  • Genre: Post-hardcore
  • Top three songs:
    
    • White Wedding Dress
    • Bathory's Sainthood
    • Last Year's Nest
• Foo Fighters - Honestly, slap the "alternative rock" or "progressive rock" on something, and there's a VERY good chance I'll love it. They also sing my theme song.
  
  • Genre: Alternative Rock
  • Top three songs:
    
    • Learn to Fly
    • Everlong
    • All My Life
• Disturbed - Hard, driving beats. Fast tempo. Rhythmic singing. Not to mention the singer is FANTASTIC.
  
  • Genre: Hard Rock (Nu-Metal)
  • Top three songs:
    
    • Indestructible
    • Down With the Sickness
    • Inside the Fire

Honorable mentions go to Avenged Sevenfold and Mindless Self Indulgence

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Temperance
Reflection:	Last night was useless. Everything in balance? Not in this case. I need to get my act together.

This is a low quality post

Card of the Day:	Reversed Temperance
Interpretation:	Out of balance, out of sync, and lovely omen. Great.

Sometimes I just don't have much to talk about.

Ok, I do, but I don't have the time or the energy to write it right now.

Yesterday's Card:	Four of Wands
Reflection:	Best. Choir. Rehearsal. Yet. Whoo!

Dreamscape

Card of the Day:	Four of Wands
Interpretation:	Uh... what? I get a sense of completion here, but one of the traditional interpretations is marriage!? Yeah, no. I get a sense of peace and repose here.

Remote fantasies
Watching on wings of gossamer silk.

They know who I am.
They know what I am
Under the wraps I shroud myself in.

Patient dreams
Watching on wings of golden thread.

The all-consuming desires,
The fearful cries and broken sobs,
They watch my careful, studied steps.

Hungry shadows
Watching on wings of tethered souls.

I sense their longing.
I sense their unheeded desire.
Fear drives me onward, beyond their gaze.

Silent eyes
Watching on wings of frozen tears.

"Away! Away!" I cry.
"These things are not truly mine!"
I plead with the visions they offer.

Hidden masks
Watching on wings of enticing lies.

A glimpse of color,
Rare in a darkened life,
Sparks, illumination for a shadowed soul.

Whispered words
Watching on wings of idle minds.

The world unfolded before me.
A gasp, a glance, a step,
And the world was mine.

Careful smiles
Watching on wings of radiant mirth.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Page of Coins
Reflection:	You know, this probably represented my lack of student-like skills again. *sigh*

Sunday Reading: 4/3/11

Card of the Day:	Reversed Page of Coins
Interpretation:	My mother is the Page of Coins, or at least I believe she is represented as such. Of course, I also know another person I am meeting today that can also be the Page of Coins. I'm convinced this represents a person today.

On Sundays, I am doing weekly readings of "Past, Present, Future". As in, the past week, my current state, and what the upcoming week holds.

Past: Reversed Queen of Wands

Disorganized and flighty, the inability to get my act together has been far too prevalent.

Present: Reversed Hermit

The implication here is that I am hiding from myself. Or, at the very least, I'm avoiding something obvious without accepting it.

Future: King of Swords

Accomplishments and organization will soon follow. The reversal of the Queen of Wands will end, and I'll be back on track to where I need to be.

Yesterday's Card:	Two of Wands
Reflection:	I made a decision to spend time with some friends, getting to know them better. I believe I made the correct decision, but only time will tell.

Friendship: Worst Thing Ever

Card of the Day:	Two of Wands
Interpretation:	Clearly, a choice. The implication is that the key only opens one of the boxes, but I don't think that's the case. I think the key disappears when used to open one. You can still admire the box not chosen, but you will never know what's inside.

So there's this thing called friendship. The insidious, nasty thing that it is. It creeps into your life when you least expect it, asking for favors and love. It's just like a lost, lonely little puppy. You know you shouldn't let it in, you have no room and no time, but you just can't bear to see it out in the cold, and so, against your better judgment, it makes itself at home.

There are four ways this tale can end:

1. The puppy grows to love you, and you grow to love it. The relationship formed is beneficial to both, and everyone is happy. HAPPY END.
2. You grow to love the puppy, but all it does is enjoy your hospitality. Basically, those big puppy eyes let it get away with anything. BAD END?
3. The puppy grows to love you, but you want nothing to do with it. In this case, why are you even keeping it? Some parental sense of duty? BAD END?
4. There is a sense of mutual dislike. That puppy is now out on the street again, or, in more humane circumstances, in the Humane Society or something similar. BAD END

The analogy works nicely for relationships.

1. Mutually beneficial relationships. Information, company, and resources. What more could you ask for? (More friends ;) ) HAPPY END!
2. Abusive relationship. You cling to the hope of happiness and delude yourself into thinking you ARE happy, when really the other is taking what he/she wants without giving anything in return. BAD END
3. Perhaps you've realized he/she wasn't right for you. Now, are you "abusing" the other in your relationship? Or are you just too distant? BAD END?
4. Mutual hatred? How is that a healthy relationship? BAD END

In the last 8 years, I have managed to create some fantastic relationships of type 1, but you wouldn't believe me the way I talk about them. I do something I call "the reversed sliding scale of friendship". I have one friend I claim I actually like. The rest I "hate".

OmegaGoo presents:
"The Reasons Friends Suck"

Friends are horrible people. They eat your schedule like there's no tomorrow. You REALLY want to do this one thing NOW, but NOOOO, your friends have this other thing in mind, for some irrational reason, you decide to join them. Then, even if you want to grumble that you're not doing this other thing, you have a good time despite yourself. It sucks.

Of course, they also spoil any bad moods you're in. You've hit a low point, and you just want to feel sorry for yourself. You've all had those times, right? Well, good friends prevent you from having those. Screw that. If I want to be depressed, dammit, let me be depressed!

On top of that, sometimes your friends pull off a creative display that you're envious of. Conflicting emotions aren't fun to deal with, but really, they're your friends, right? So you're envious, because you wish you could do that, but you're also proud of them, because they're your friend. How DARE they make you feel conflicted!

And this is why friends are the worst things in the world. There is certainly more, but I believe this should be sufficient to support my point.

So yes, I hate all my friends. That should tell you how blessed I truly feel.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Five of Coins
Reflection:	I claimed something lucky would happen. I successfully retrieved my DSi and my iPod. I'd call that lucky.