You All Suck. Stop Making Me Write About You

Card of the Day:	Reversed Nine of Coins
Interpretation:	Theft? Of something of mine, or something I will do? Ugh, I don't like this at all.

Miracles can happen.

During my early adolescence, I was a very introverted person. Mind you, I've always been loud, which doesn't quite go with introverted, but it is possible to keep to yourself and be boisterous. Most people probably wouldn't believe me these days though. I'm rather extroverted these days. Although I can't point at any particular event or person as to why this is the case, I know that sometime during high school, I learned the true value of friendship. Not the "meaning", the value.

After this essentially life-changing discovery, I'm having problems stopping. I have made more friends in the last 2 years than I think I did in my entire time in elementary and middle school. But it's not a quantity that I desire, it's a quality. And that's the thing, I've been spending time to cultivate these new friendships. They aren't merely passing acquaintances that I desperately call "friends". I truly believe in these relationships, and I ensure that the anchor is as strong on my end as it is on theirs.

It is for this reason that I lift my head high every day. Yes, it's irritating when they're on summer vacation and I have to kick them out fairly early in the evening so I can go to sleep, but you know what? The fact that I have to kick them out just confirms what I want to believe: we are friends, in every sense of the word.

Huh, I'm pretty sure this post got away from me. Oops.

Yesterday's Card:	Queen of Cups
Reflection:	Ok, so she was on my mind, but I never actually got a chance to see her... I'm really confused!

The Evolution of Words

Card of the Day:	Reversed Temperance
Interpretation:	What am I forgetting to balance? What am I ignoring in favor of other things?

I love writing. It's a way to create a world without having to utilize my mediocre, at best, artistry. Of course, one needs a way with a words to be able to create such a world with writing, and hopefully you've realized by now that I do, in fact, have such a talent. Of course, I might just be pompous, but I do believe that my writing is at least sufficiently developed.

The thing I am discovering, though, is that I'm not very good at world creation. Remember, I have been doing a lot of role playing recently. What I'm learning is I'm not all that interested in the worlds that my characters explore. What I'm really interested in are the people. Worlds are merely places in which characters interact.

That said, the most important character when playing (not GMing) an RPG is your own. I have developed a strange (at least, I think it's strange) way of creating my characters. When I first create a character, I have barely an inkling of who he is supposed to be. I mean, I've got all sorts of stats written down so I can play the game mechanically, but I don't really know who my character IS yet. It's like meeting someone for an interview. You know what they're capable of, but you don't know who they are. But as I play them for a bit, a personality and background begin to form.

As an example, last night we started a D&D 4e campaign. I went in thinking that I was going to play a Half-Orc Warlord, but for some reason, my character is now a Hobgoblin Bard named Kol. I haven't a clue why (ok, so he's a Hobgoblin because of +2 Con +2 Cha, but a BARD? Huh). So, my newly created character needed a personality. I got as far as, ok, he's a Hobgoblin, so gruff and tough, before I ran out of pre-game ideas.

Somehow, "gruff and tough" became "military man", probably because I, for some reason, am playing a Bard that has no training in Diplomacy (I've got Intimidate instead) and no instrument. Yelling and singing are Kol's forte. Why? Well, I only started him last night. I don't know yet!

And thus the crux of my writing strategy: I do not write my characters. I come up with a basis for them, maybe a single aspect or two. I then start playing them and watch them evolve. A well-written character is its own living, breathing entity. I don't write my characters. I meet them, then I get to know them, like an acquaintance that turns out to be a good friend. Yes, I technically am the one that decides how the character reacts to any given situation, but in all honesty, it doesn't feel that way to me.

This is why I like role playing. Watching characters come to life is awe-inspiring, especially when they grow and change like a living being. I have no idea what is in store for Kol, but I'll be right there with him as he learns and discovers the world around him.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Ten of Wands
Reflection:	The burden is LIGHTENED. As in, it's fallen off. Whew.

A Gift of Story

Card of the Day:	Seven of Wands
Interpretation:	Today will be hard, but I'm going to overcome this. I will put in the effort, and I will reap the rewards.

So this, and the next 3 posts, are being posted on Sunday, May 8th, also known as Mother's Day. I must be honest. I'm not one for fanfare. I don't like giving gifts that will be forgotten in 4 weeks. There's no point. Things should not have their value based solely on the act of the gift, and as soon as that act is complete, they lose all value.

No, what I like to give are stories. Humorous or sweet, it doesn't matter. Creativity is key here.

So what did I get for my mom on Mother's Day? A rainbow. No, not a picture, not a prism that makes rainbows. I brought her home an honest-to-goodness natural rainbow, like a paint stroke in the sky. This is a funny story that should last much longer than some chocolate or breakfast in bed.

First, let me state that rainbows mean a lot to my mother. I don't know if it's the biblical symbolism or what, but rainbows put her mind at ease. Thus, this actually had value, even without the story. What happened is this: I was driving home from campus, when I saw the rainbow. I called my mother, and asked her to look outside. She didn't see anything, sadly. However, I noticed that I was moving only slightly faster than the cloud bank above me, and in the same direction, to boot. The sun was shining brightly behind me, thus, the rainbow. I kept her on the phone the entire time I was driving home, describing the rainbow I saw and how I was "bringing it home". About 3 minutes from home, my mother finally saw the rainbow. She was happy, and we were both amused how well that worked. So yes, I brought my mother home a natural rainbow for Mother's day.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Ten of Swords
Reflection:	It's definitely starting to wind down. Conclusions and endings are in sight.

Words of Praise for Fishfood

Card of the Day:	Reversed Ten of Wands
Interpretation:	Ok, I've noticed the pile. Let's start digging through it.

Everything good that has happened to my social life in the last year is the fault of my high school choir director.

Current status: Last weekend was busy for me, as I had a LARP game, followed by two nights of concerts that I performed in. In addition, two weeks ago we finished a campaign using the Spirit of the Century system (see this post), and next week we are starting a Shadowrun campaign. What does this have to do with the director? Well...

The concerts should be obvious. If it weren't for my director, I wouldn't be singing. I'd probably still be too self-conscious to try it. Considering how therapeutic I consider singing to be, I wouldn't have it any other way.

On the other hand, the gaming seems to be kind of out there. It's not that I wasn't previously interested in gaming. I've been a gamer since I was five years old. No, what the director did is put me in the right place at the right time. In my college choir, I met two people. These people are a couple, and they invited me out to two different LARPs... and through them, I met all of these other people that are now friends. This never would have happened if I had never placed a priority on joining a choir.

The story of why I joined choir (and never looked back) is actually kind of funny. My freshman year of high school, I auditioned for the musical. Now, I had never really done any singing before (church doesn't count. They don't care how good you sound there), but I took a stab at it anyway, since I knew I wanted to act. At the end of the audition, the director looked straight at me and said, "You have a great voice. Why aren't you in choir?" It was such a poignant question, and I had no idea how much it would impact my life. I have been singing since that day, and I don't plan on ever stopping.

On a semi-related note, I don't really have an interest in acting anymore. Role-playing satisfies that itch for me, and I've also discovered that I have a hard time playing characters that have some sort of antithesis to my personality. The good news is that I'm so multifaceted that I can latch onto aspects of characters and bring those to the fore, but it also means that there are many aspects that I can't portray because they oppose one of my own. Voice acting, on the other hand, would be a lot of fun.

Yesterday's Card:	Ten of Wands
Reflection:	A burden I'm pretending isn't there, and thus adding to my struggles...

Self-Disappointment

Card of the Day:	Two of Cups
Interpretation:	A harmonious partnership. This is a good thing, because my partner for this one class has been frustrating me to no end, and I don't know how to tell him that.

The problem with being a master of my own reality is that no one else can be blamed for the decisions I make. Often, it is an ease of the burden of life if we can blame forces outside of our control that shit happens to us. And to be honest, there are many times where shit does happen that affects our realities, and the causes lie outside our jurisdiction.

Which makes it all the more damning when the largest problems you face are entirely the result of your own actions. The last person you want to blame is yourself, because blame indicates fault, and we like to see ourselves as perfect beings. Now, understand that in this case, "perfect" does not mean "faultless". Most people realize that they have faults, yet they accept and work to improve themselves to whatever their ideal is. It hurts when we realize we have not made that progress that we so desire.

I know my fatal flaw. While I understand that I may have some other flaws, there is none so damning as Sloth. I won't pretend I'm not greedy, but from a selfish standpoint, I honestly don't think I'm all that selfish, but I do know that there are many things I want. I just don't want to put in the effort to get them.

And it hurts. It hurts to know that I am wasting my intellect on pointless games and diversions when I could use it for the betterment of the world. Unfortunately, I've reached the point where I need to put in some major effort to break beyond the confines of my own psyche, but I don't have the willpower to do so. Motivation has always been a problem for me. There's never been a sturdy goal in my mind to work toward. It's always been "maybe this will work," and it just sort of does. And if it doesn't? Revise my standards and try something else.

In my schoolwork, I've always subscribed to "Once and it's done." No revisions. No corrections. It's written, it's finished. That supposedly doesn't work in the world. I have yet to see evidence that this is the case. I have reaped great rewards from this philosophy. After all, I'm here at the UW - Madison, aren't I? That takes a bit of effort, supposedly.

Effort? What's that?

I have great talent in many things. Musicality, memory, and logic are my three greatest gifts. In my world, I have yet to need to expand any of them. I am still exploring the inside of all three gifts. Unfortunately, I am running out of room to explore. I need to break beyond the boundaries to realize my full potential.

They say you should never say can't. Well, guess what? I can't break those boundaries.

I am 20 years old. I turn 21 in 3 months. I have yet to learn how to break my boundaries. I have never stepped out of my comfort zone. I have never put myself out there for all to see.

Do you think you know me? I don't think you do.

My understanding is that elementary school is designed to teach you the basics, and also to introduce you to a world where Mommy and Daddy aren't always around. Ok, I think I got those.

Junior High and High school eludes me, though. It seems to me that it exists to prepare you for college. It exists to cause social development and prepare you for a "real" life. It should allow you to expand your horizons, and find yourself.

Well, I found myself. I know exactly who I am, but what I don't know is who I could be. I have yet to step outside myself and become more, because I have never needed to. Everything that has EVER been required of me is within my spheres of capability. I have never needed to grow. My talent was always good enough.

College is different, though. College does force you to become something more. It's why you go there. To grow, to learn, to be more than you were before. The bad news? I feel like I'm becoming LESS as the years go by. Each semester, I can see my standards revise. I can see my desires become more and more... outlandish? I'm not sure what the word is, but "unright" would be the best way to describe it. It's as if my "Once and done" policy is folding in on me. I'm not sure I'm stagnating. I think I'm changing still, but in the wrong direction.

And more than anything else, I just feel empty inside. I know I should be feeling some form of pain. I know I should work to heal the wound I know I am causing myself. But I can't feel it.

It's not that I don't believe I can change. Anyone can change. But I don't think I have the strength to change myself for the better. Not now. Not after cruising by for my entire life. When it's sink or swim, it's either learn to swim REALLY FAST, or die trying. I've been sinking in the slowest quicksand ever. They say if you just stop, you'll float to the top in quicksand, but not this stuff. I'm sinking lower and lower.

There are people who are worse off than me. I'm aware. But disappointment hurts more than many things, because it's a hurt that leaves you empty, and not in pain.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Empress
Reflection:	...Nothing. Yesterday was worthless. I don't even want a refund, because I was the one that squandered it. I feel so... empty.

Lights, Camera, BOREDOM!

Card of the Day:	Two of Coins
Interpretation:	Success in endeavors, but keep your day job. There shall be happiness, but not necessarily in the main endeavor.

Haven't you ever wanted to see a favorite character brought to life on the big screen? I actually haven't. I don't watch movies. It's not that I don't like them. "Recent" movies I have greatly enjoyed are Inception and Law Abiding Citizen. So why don't I watch them?

It is clear to me that movies are merely another medium for storytelling, with certain aspects necessary for its medium that don't appear in other mediums, such as literature or theater. Specifically, camera and lighting work (which is different from theater lighting. I think). But the most important issue, to me, is the length of movies. It's not that I can't do something for 2 hours non-stop. It's that I can't have my hands or mind idle that long. I don't want to sit there and watch something for a few hours. I want to DO stuff, even if that stuff is making silly comments about confetti!

Now, let me compare movies to other forms of storytelling: literature, theater, and TV.

Literature engages the mind much more than movies do. Not only do you have to interpret what the words mean, but you have to create a mental picture to keep track of what's going on. That is much more enjoyable than watching the picture already given to you. In addition, there's a certain tactile pleasure in flipping pages (or holding something that isn't a remote. I greatly prefer reading online materials on my laptop than on a desktop).

Theater's only difference from movies is locale. When you watch movies in your own home, there are so many other things to DO that actually involve DOING stuff that I always have preferences to those. In a cinema, it's a lot harder to make stupid comments without offending someone else. But in a theater, where the actors are present on the stage, live, it seems somewhat irreverent to make such comments. Thus, I have no desire to do so, and I can enjoy the story for what it is. That, and I have a soft spot for musicals, and I'm always seeing musicals in theater, as opposed to plays.

Television has one major difference from movies: commercials. I always have something else to do during the commercials, so I'm not bored out of my mind. It makes it easier to keep my attentino on the show when it IS on.

So it's not that movies aren't interesting. It's that I have many, many things I prefer to them.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Four of Wands
Reflection:	Well THAT was unexpected. A broken partnership...

Future Musings

Card of the Day:	Three of Cups
Interpretation:	It's the All-Campus party today, but what does that have to do with me?

I am almost finished with my third year of college. Unfortunately, I will have to go an extra semester over the 4 years, because general advisors have no idea what they are talking about, or they do and tell you the wrong stuff so you stay longer and pay the school more money. I'd like to think people aren't that conceited, though.

Frankly, I'm not sure how upset I am about that. Graduation scares me. This is definitely a case of "don't rock the boat." When I graduate, I will probably have to move in search of a career. If I do, I'll be leaving a bunch of friends and connections behind. I am well aware that with today's technology, it is easy enough to keep in contact with people, and even interact with them on a regular basis. Honestly, it's just not the same. I am already experiencing this with some of my friends going to college. Frankly, I think it's a fluke that I've met all of the wonderful people that are in my life right now. I don't even want to consider how I'll rebuild those connections in a new locale.

At the same time, as I write this, I remembered something. I have had experiences with technology and a friend in New York that gives me hope for the future. I interact with him nearly every day. Really, it's like he's not even gone. Perhaps the future isn't as scary as it wants to be. Yes, a lot of things will change, but "everything" is not one of those things. My connections will remain, and I will utilize them to strengthen myself in everything I do.

Yesterday's Card:	Six of Coins
Reflection:	... Somehow, I feel like this project has been a charity case. Except I at least offer a few "wait a minutes!".

Step onto the Stage

Card of the Day:	Six of Coins
Interpretation:	Giving and charity are written in this card. Does it mean I will receive, or does it mean I will give? I hope it really means teamwork, because I can see that working today.

Sometime in the future, probably after I graduate from college, I will learn how to play that bass guitar sitting in my bedroom. I want to be a member of a band. I want to make music. The thing is, I don't know where to begin. I am not a music writer, as I haven't had a lick of music theory education WHATSOEVER. However, I CAN write lyrics, so I'm not completely useless.

Frankly, when it comes down to it, I want to sing in a rock band. Yes, I have every intent of learning to play the bass, but that isn't really my true passion. I'll admit, I don't have the crazy high Tenor voice that most lead singers tend toward in the Rock world (I actually am a second Tenor, so I have a higher voice, just can't hit those REALLY high notes), but that won't stop me from trying. Again, I enjoy writing lyrics (an evolution of my poetry, I guess), and I hope that someday I'll be able to share those lyrics with the world. It's good to have a dream, isn't it?

I can't see myself being famous. This would be a hobby more than anything, but you never know, life works in mysterious ways.

Yesterday's Card:	Seven of Swords
Reflection:	I keep fluctuating between changing for the better, and reverting to my procrastinating ways. Changing is hard.

Reading: My Worst Enemy

Card of the Day:	Two of Wands
Interpretation:	Have you noticed that I seem to keep getting the same cards? I have. I think I'll make the choice to change today. I don't think it'll be immediate, but I can at least begin.

I love to read. There is no question as to whether or not I will read a book a friend reccommends. The answer is yes, as soon as I find a copy. Of course, if someone were to ask me whether or not I read on a regular basis, the answer might be surprising.

I do not read on a regular basis.

As I should have made clear, I love to read. Often, there is nothing I would rather do more. Information overload is something I enjoy, and I even prefer role-playing games to other genres for this very reason. There is so much to read and discover!

So why don't I read books very often?

Because I'm so passionate about them. Whenever I read a book, I tend to read it to the exclusion of everything else. I don't socialize. I don't do homework. Hell, I would read it at work. Most importantly, I don't sleep. I have to finish that book now. Yes, I know it will be there tomorrow. That doesn't stop me from wanting to finish it now!

Yesterday, I mentioned in my post that I pulled an all-nighter. I found an online serial that I had to read. Unfortunately, by the time I had convinced myself that it was a good idea to stop reading and get some sleep... I had to be up in 3 hours. Knowing myself, that was a worse idea than just staying up, so I finished the series. I hate myself for that. I want to read more and more books and stories. I don't want to stop, but I need to in order to function in society properly. The farther I get out of high school, the less I read because I have more responsibilities. The world is an evil place. One thing that people are encouraged to do more of is the exact opposite of what I need to do.

I promise, one of these days I will pull myself together and successfully read a book at reasonable hours with actual breaks of getting stuff done.

Yesterday's Card:	Three of Coins
Reflection:	I swear, this doesn't mean success so much as further connection with my friends.

Life and Fantasy

Card of the Day:	Reversed Five of Wands
Interpretation:	Destructive conflict. BUT I HAVE STUFF I NEED TO GET DONE!

Fiction is fun to read. I have enjoyed books from all genres, but as you can probably guess, I tend to gravitate toward fantasy. But there is a specific subgenre of fantasy, often found in webcomics, that I enjoy the most: "Life Embellished". Basically, it is the normal world where weird crap happens.

Let me give a few examples:

• El Goonish Shive
  
  This comic is about a group of 8 teenagers. It's either about how they save the world through magical force while going to high school. Or it's about the drama that 8 high school teenagers have to deal with while crazy magical crap happens. We're not sure. Also, gender-benders, space aliens, and personality powers. The only problem is that the pacing is lacking. It's better than it sounds. Honest.
• Emergency Exit
  
  A bunch of people live in an apartment building that contains a portal to other dimensions. They are all in the building because they all have some manner of skilled expertise that allows them to beat the crap out of enemies. Some of them are still figuring out what that is. Still, there's a lot of focus on their normal lives and relationships, and not just the fantastic elements.

I think I enjoy this genre the most because it is closer to home. I prefer fantastic stories as a form of escapism, because reality is slightly too boring for me. This genre is basically "Hey, this could happen to me!" Not that it ever will, but one can have unrealistic fantasies, can't they?

Yesterday's Card:	The High Priestess
Reflection:	What the hell is wrong with me? I can't seem to get anything done whatsoever!

I Need a Nap

Card of the Day:	The High Priestess
Interpretation:	A representation of the subconscious. Is my brain telling me something I'm not listening to? (I wouldn't be surprised...)

Sleep is a fickle thing. It is necessary for survival and remaining coherent. It is necessary for focus. And it seems that students never have enough of it. I am no exception (just see yesterday's post!).

Here's my problem: I am not tired when I need to hit the sack. I get up fairly early every day, and there are many days where I can barely function due to lack of sleep. Even on those days, however, I am unable to sleep at the necessary hour, so the cycle continues. I am unsure as to why this is.

I remember hearing of a study that showed that teens and young adults are biologically wired to sleep at later hours than adults. This certainly seems true to me. I have discovered that I should be getting between 8 and 9 hours of sleep at night. I am most awake when I can get to sleep at midnight and wake up at 9. What strikes you as odd about those hours? Well, for starters, 9 is about 3 hours AFTER I need to be awake. The world just does not accept the fact that I have a slightly strange sleep schedule through no fault of my own.

Perhaps I am merely ranting in my continued incoherency. I attempted to get enough sleep last night, and for all intents and purposes, I believe I was successful. So why the heck am I still so friggin' tired!?

Yesterday's Card:	Knight of Cups
Reflection:	I think this just told me who I am, or something. I don't know, I was REALLY incoherent yesterday.

Go Away! Can't You See I'm Reading Lore Here!?

Card of the Day:	Three of Coins
Interpretation:	This is a portent of success. I greatly appreciate this fact, because I was convinced this day was gonna suck. I hope the deck is right!

The more I play games, the more I discover what I like about them.

I love the story. Gameplay can be fine, there are many games that are nothing but gameplay, with only a pretense of a story. Those can be entertaining, but I have a hard time enjoying them as something more than a mere diversion. I want characters. I want events. I want history. I want LORE. I'm not asking for anything grandiose. I don't need an entire backstory novel to go through, but I do want to know why that corpse is in that cage.

Metroid Prime (the series as a whole, actually, but this one does it the best) is quite possibly the ultimate example of this. Metroid Prime has an item called the Scan Visor. You have it from the beginning of the game, and with it, you can scan objects and creatures to gain information about them. You have a logbook that gets filled with different things as you go. There are creatures, pickups, and clues, but most importantly, there is LORE. There are 2 types, Space Pirate and Chozo lore. Space Pirate lore fills the gaps between Metroid and Metroid Prime (canon chronology). Chozo lore tells the story of the Chozo civilization that lived on Tallon IV previously, and the disaster that struck the planet. While Metroid Prime is really all about exploration and discovery, the lore is what made me fall in love with the game. If you think about the background of the game, most of the stuff littered around the game actually makes sense for it to be there. It. Is. Awesome.

As a side note, Metroid Prime 2 is an inferior game to the masterpiece that is Metroid Prime, but I believe that the Lore located in that game is MUCH more interesting than that of Metroid Prime, but I think I'll save that for a later post.

The main reason I bring this up, though, was introduced in the first paragraph. As I play role-playing games with friends, I find that I am caring less and less about the mechanics of the system. I don't really care for optimizing my accuracy or my damage. I want to find the mysteries and solve them. I like being made to think, to put 2 and 2 together. It's not logic puzzles that excite me in these games; that's not what I'm attempting to say. Motives, locations, and trying to figure out where to be and what to do at the right time. That makes me happy.

On a side note, fellow IFGS players, there's a reason I have a book of Legend Lore and Heraldic Lore 1/day each. Information and lore, that's what I like. After all, a suave and intelligent man such as myself would know something about this, right? Because I'm savvy!

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Strength
Reflection:	No, not ego. Confusion, laziness, and all-around worthlessness. Damn, everything was going so WELL!

Gamer's Games

Card of the Day:	Eight of Swords
Interpretation:	Trapped in the ways I go. Sadly, this isn't telling me anything I don't know. But perhaps now that it's out in the open, I can escape it.

More than anything else, I love to play games. Role playing games, board games, Live-Action role play, video games, card games. I am a gamer. This is a fact of life.

When it comes to video games, my preferred genre is Role playing game. Tactical, turn based, action, I don't care. I enjoy Final Fantasy Tactics, Persona 4, and Kingdom Hearts. I begin here because I love to talk about games. Strategy, plot analysis, mechanic analysis, it's all fun and games to me. I'm not going to start today, because I don't have a good game in mind. I'm currently playing Pokémon Diamond (yes, I'm back a generation) in an attempt to fill the Pokédex. When I have the time, I'm currently playing Marvel vs Capcom 3, which I'm not that good at. I'm trying to improve, but I just don't have the time! Oh the woes of being a student gamer.

Now that I've introduced my passions, I'm going to just dive in next time I want to talk about games :)

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Seven of Coins
Reflection:	Yesterday was, perhaps, a day where I have been the most frustrated without a good explanation. Not a good thing.

It's a Musical Life

Card of the Day:	Reversed Seven of Coins
Interpretation:	Anxiety? Check. Impatience? Check.

I have a problem: I love to sing.

I constantly have a song stuck in my head, and if the area around me is silent, I start to sing. Not hum, sing. Now here's the thing. I am in a choir, and I know SOME choral pieces and solos, but that is not my preferred choice of genre. I listen almost exclusively to rock and "metal". Mind you, "rock" is such a broad catch-all term that I actually listen to a wide range of stuff. From pop rock to nu-metal, I probably would listen to it (I'm not a huge fan of classic metal or death metal). One caveat, I have to be able to sing along to it. It's the main reason I don't listen to death metal: what on earth are they saying?

I've had this argument many, many times. I do not believe death metal screaming in music is necessary, or even has any value at all. The argument I've been told before is that "it conveys the emotion better". Ok, so you have this anger, and it would sound "wrong" if you conveyed it through pretty singing. That I can understand, but it is wrong. Yes, if you're not careful when singing, you can ruin the emotion. One of the things I have been learning in choir is how to convey emotion through the singing, anger is no exception. For an example, I will point you to the band Disturbed. No, I will not claim they are the best band out there (I like them, but art is subjective), but the vocalist knows how to inflect anger in his singing. But most importantly, you can UNDERSTAND what he's saying.

Note that last part. There are some bands that utilize death metal screaming that I listen to, although the songs that make heavy use of it are generally tuned out when they come up. I listen to All that Remains, Bullet for my Valentine, Chiodos, and Rise Against. The difference between them and most bands that use screaming? You can actually understand what they're saying! If you can't pick up the lyrics through casual listening, the singer is doing it wrong.

Of course, there are people who listen to the instrumentation as well, and enjoy guitar riffs and solos more than the singing. There are merits there, but I focus almost exclusively on the voicing and the rhythm. It's a bad habit of mine, so I apologize.
On that note, here are my top 5 bands, in no particular order:

• Blue October - Beautiful lyrics, a singer who's range is only slightly higher than mine, instead of playing around in the stratosphere, and a violinist. So much yes.
  • Genre: Rock
  • Top three songs:
    
    • Into the Ocean
    • Balance Beam
    • Picking up Pieces
• Rise Against - Mature topics to a driving beat, and the singer has a "hardcore melodic" style to his voicing. Very enjoyable, though it irritates me to no end that his range his higher than mine.
  
  • Genre: Punk
  • Top three songs:
    
    • The Strength to Go On
    • Dancing for Rain
    • From Heads Unworthy
• Boysetsfire - Very politically charged. Beautiful voicing and excellent topics.
  
  • Genre: Post-hardcore
  • Top three songs:
    
    • White Wedding Dress
    • Bathory's Sainthood
    • Last Year's Nest
• Foo Fighters - Honestly, slap the "alternative rock" or "progressive rock" on something, and there's a VERY good chance I'll love it. They also sing my theme song.
  
  • Genre: Alternative Rock
  • Top three songs:
    
    • Learn to Fly
    • Everlong
    • All My Life
• Disturbed - Hard, driving beats. Fast tempo. Rhythmic singing. Not to mention the singer is FANTASTIC.
  
  • Genre: Hard Rock (Nu-Metal)
  • Top three songs:
    
    • Indestructible
    • Down With the Sickness
    • Inside the Fire

Honorable mentions go to Avenged Sevenfold and Mindless Self Indulgence

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Temperance
Reflection:	Last night was useless. Everything in balance? Not in this case. I need to get my act together.

Friendship: Worst Thing Ever

Card of the Day:	Two of Wands
Interpretation:	Clearly, a choice. The implication is that the key only opens one of the boxes, but I don't think that's the case. I think the key disappears when used to open one. You can still admire the box not chosen, but you will never know what's inside.

So there's this thing called friendship. The insidious, nasty thing that it is. It creeps into your life when you least expect it, asking for favors and love. It's just like a lost, lonely little puppy. You know you shouldn't let it in, you have no room and no time, but you just can't bear to see it out in the cold, and so, against your better judgment, it makes itself at home.

There are four ways this tale can end:

1. The puppy grows to love you, and you grow to love it. The relationship formed is beneficial to both, and everyone is happy. HAPPY END.
2. You grow to love the puppy, but all it does is enjoy your hospitality. Basically, those big puppy eyes let it get away with anything. BAD END?
3. The puppy grows to love you, but you want nothing to do with it. In this case, why are you even keeping it? Some parental sense of duty? BAD END?
4. There is a sense of mutual dislike. That puppy is now out on the street again, or, in more humane circumstances, in the Humane Society or something similar. BAD END

The analogy works nicely for relationships.

1. Mutually beneficial relationships. Information, company, and resources. What more could you ask for? (More friends ;) ) HAPPY END!
2. Abusive relationship. You cling to the hope of happiness and delude yourself into thinking you ARE happy, when really the other is taking what he/she wants without giving anything in return. BAD END
3. Perhaps you've realized he/she wasn't right for you. Now, are you "abusing" the other in your relationship? Or are you just too distant? BAD END?
4. Mutual hatred? How is that a healthy relationship? BAD END

In the last 8 years, I have managed to create some fantastic relationships of type 1, but you wouldn't believe me the way I talk about them. I do something I call "the reversed sliding scale of friendship". I have one friend I claim I actually like. The rest I "hate".

OmegaGoo presents:
"The Reasons Friends Suck"

Friends are horrible people. They eat your schedule like there's no tomorrow. You REALLY want to do this one thing NOW, but NOOOO, your friends have this other thing in mind, for some irrational reason, you decide to join them. Then, even if you want to grumble that you're not doing this other thing, you have a good time despite yourself. It sucks.

Of course, they also spoil any bad moods you're in. You've hit a low point, and you just want to feel sorry for yourself. You've all had those times, right? Well, good friends prevent you from having those. Screw that. If I want to be depressed, dammit, let me be depressed!

On top of that, sometimes your friends pull off a creative display that you're envious of. Conflicting emotions aren't fun to deal with, but really, they're your friends, right? So you're envious, because you wish you could do that, but you're also proud of them, because they're your friend. How DARE they make you feel conflicted!

And this is why friends are the worst things in the world. There is certainly more, but I believe this should be sufficient to support my point.

So yes, I hate all my friends. That should tell you how blessed I truly feel.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Five of Coins
Reflection:	I claimed something lucky would happen. I successfully retrieved my DSi and my iPod. I'd call that lucky.

No Good Deed Goes Unheeded

Card of the Day:	Reversed Five of Coins
Interpretation:	Normally, reversed cards are "bad". However, the upright fives are bad in the first place, so the reverse is actually good. Prosperity is the key here, but I think it just means a good/lucky thing will happen today.

I believe in karma, to a certain degree. It seems to me that whenever you do a good deed for someone, somewhere down the line that good deed will happen to you. Same with evil deeds. I think that if karma truly exists, it makes more sense to me along the order of "eye for an eye". You get only what you've done. It's like an investment: you can invest money in stocks, but the only thing you'll get back is money. Mind you, karma is probably a safer investment than stocks, but I think the return time is probably longer.

Have you noticed that my posts seem to be based off of the card I've gotten for the day? Well, here's where karma comes in. A few weeks ago, I found a cell phone, with no owner in sight. Well, the good thing to do is turn it in, so I did. Well, last night I discovered that my DSi was missing (did I mention I'm a gamer?), and I thought about the last place I had it. Well, turns out that I had left it in the very same library that I mentioned previously. I get there this morning, hoping someone had turned it in. Thankfully, they had. Strange how things are linked like that.

To be frank, it is probably just people doing the right thing with the least possible effort. I certainly was when I turned in the phone. But here's what bothers me about that. A DSi, with a game inside, is worth ~$190. Unlike a cell phone, it is not easily traceable, nor does it require outside service to use. It's a perfect object to take off with, and it's still a fairly relevant piece of technology (ok, so the 3DS was just released, but I doubt that changes much right now). For all intents and purposes, my DSi should be gone. Instead, I have it right now in my pocket.

I'm not sure that karma is entirely the force at work here (luck probably had a hand in it as well), but it's nice to believe that good deeds are rewarded. I doubt you could motivate humans to perform good deeds all the time for their own sake if there was no reward (we'll not go into the ideal situation of good deeds by everyone, everywhere, all the time).

My theory of karma, while similar to the "eye for an eye" I mentioned above, isn't quite so literal. I don't expect that the exact same deed will return to you. You may not need what you have given to others. What I believe is that the magnitude of the deed will return. This means you can't perform a bunch of small deeds and expect something big to come your way. Of course, a bunch of small things could return, which can build into something bigger, but you can't expect greeting everyone you meet (yes, that is a good deed) to turn into winning the lottery.

Karma (or at least, the popular understanding of it) is perhaps one of the greatest belief systems out there. Yes, it means that people expect a reward, but I claim that karma rewards people at times of its own choosing. You can't force karma. All you can do is keep performing good deeds, and watch as they eventually return to you.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Page of Swords
Reflection:	*Sigh* I'm still stuck in my horrid student ways. Why do I suck so much?

Learning to Learn

Card of the Day:	Reversed Page of Swords
Interpretation:	This most likely represents my inner self, and not a young female. The Page of Swords is a student, just like I am. However, when reversed, she can be a student in name only. She neglects her studies, procrastinates, and generally fails at getting things done. I can see that in my world, and I do not approve. I can fix it.

I am a student. I currently attend UW-Madison, studying Computer Science and Mathematics. I graduated from a small high school (my class was 62 people), and I have a few words for my school district.

There are three sides to any school: Academics, Arts, and Extracurriculars (this includes Sports). My school has at least 2 of these down pat, especially for how small it is. Let me go through these, in an arbitrary order.

Arts: My school is fantastic for this, which, if I understand correctly, seems to be a rarity these days, especially for small public schools. We have an art department with all sorts of stuff in it. I never actually spent a lot of time there, but I know many people who did. We have a yearly musical. We have a concert choir, a show choir, and a band (which is a pep band and jazz band on occasion, too). At least for the choir, we were considered one of the better ones in our district. And if you consider other things as "arts", we have a workshop, too. We also have a "Family and Consumer Education" section. I know one person who would display cakes at our Fine Arts Festivals.

Extracurriculars: Oh dear God, yes. If arts seem extracurricular to you, we've already checked this box, but there's more. First of all, sports are certainly extracurricular. At the very least, we had a good football team. When a generally unknown school can make the state finals, you know they have a pretty good team. I'm not sure about the rest of our sports, but at the very least we had a decent track and field team, and we host at least one large conference a year.

In addition to sports, we have an Academic Decathlon team (we went to state my junior year!), and when I had graduated, they had just started a bio-fuel project. I claim that magic happens at my high school. Convinced? I'm not.

Academics: This is where my school suffers. It's not that our teachers don't want to teach. As a small school, it is easy to form good relationships with our teachers. I believe that our teachers have a problem motivating the students to learn. Not only that, but since our school is so small, most classes have a mix of smart and not-so-smart students. This can be mitigated, but what often happens is that the teacher teaches to somewhere in the middle, so not-so-smart students are below the material and lose interest because they can't understand, and the brighter students are above the material and lose interest because they are bored to tears. I had maybe one class where the discussions we had were intelligent and insightful. It was the best class I had my entire time in high school (not counting choir, since that's not academic).

On top of that, my high school did nothing to prepare me for college. I am not used to lectures. I am not used to midterms and finals. I am not used to STUDYING (did I mention that my high school was too damn easy?). Trying to learn all of this material in the smaller amount of time that lectures give is difficult, at best. Of course, if you fall behind, even one lecture, you're probably screwed. In high school, you can (I've had friends do this) turn a project in 2 months late and get full credit. At least, you could in my high school. I had maybe 2 teachers who could actually prepare me for college (the only reason I wasn't Valedictorian of my class). I basically got to college, and at the age of 18, I learned how to study. Or at least, I pretended I did. Studying properly is hard, and if you don't know how to by college, you're screwed. Honestly.

When it comes down to it, I am an intelligent young man who is doing well so far by the sole virtue of my memory and learning capabilities. My high school did nothing to prepare me for college (which of course, doesn't really prepare you for the "real" world, but that's another post topic). It had a lot of effect in shaping me into the person I am (a lot of things I do now are indirectly the choir director's fault), but when college becomes sink or swim, I tend to sink.

Yesterday's Card:	King of Coins
Reflection:	Well, I didn't accomplish that much yesterday, but I did finalize plans for the weekend. Considering what my priorities are currently, I'd say that's pretty successful. At the same time, doing "card a day" is less a prediction and more a reading of your energy. Since energy can change, the future can as well.

A Time for Introspection

Card of the Day:	King of Coins
Interpretation:	The implication here is success. Perhaps it is time to start a new project. Hmmm... I do believe I have another writing project I've been thinking about. I believe I might begin writing it today.

Perhaps I'll spend my first few posts getting to know myself better. As if I didn't already know, right? Well, that's the thing. Being yourself is a lot like speaking your native tongue. There are rules that you don't think about, but you follow them. There are certain words (or patterns) that are more common, but you just don't think about it. I go through the motions of being me without necessarily knowing the why.

I like the why.

I'm a rational being. Everything happens for a reason, even the really crappy stuff. Mind you, I'm not saying that the reasons have to be GOOD, they just have to exist. I believe in cause and effect. I like to observe the effect and think "what caused this?" In this case, I like to analyze my past, and find how it caused the person I am today.

As you can probably see, I am posting a "card of the day" with my posts. I have recently obtained a tarot deck (The Legacy of the Divine Tarot, if you care), and am learning through the "card a day" method. I am using this as a tool to reflect on myself; who I am, and who I want to be. Essentially, this blog is an extension of that quest.

Tarot is interesting, especially to someone like me. It's supposed to be a tool for divination and introspection. Yet there's no evidence that its predictions actually mean anything. But for introspection, anything that makes you think can be used for that. Tarot is as good as anything else for that.

As I mentioned above, I claim I'm rational. Then why do I seem to believe in something that has no grounds in rational fact? A desire for something more than what this world appears to be. It's as simple as that. Why do people cling to religions that don't necessarily have any factual grounds for their belief systems other than stories written in their holy works? For the same reason. We want to believe that there is something more than this meager existence we live. We want our lives to mean something. This is why we turn elsewhere than this world for hope and comfort.

I do not know whether or not a deck of cards holds any power to perceive the future. I do not know if all of the things people believe are reality or merely stories. What I do believe is that there's more to this world than even science can explain.

My evidence? Luck.

Luck can't be explained. There's a certain thing called the "butterfly effect" that can hide many causes of "lucky" occurrences, but there are some things you just can't explain. Those times you're playing a card game, and you need that one specific card to come up, and it does. For some people, this seems to happen consistently through no effort of their own. Probability can explain this somewhat, but when people start avoiding even the standard deviations, you start to wonder. That, and serendipity is crazy.

And so, in my search for causality in my life, I will be using the tarot as my tool for reflection. Whether or not I choose to talk about myself in my post, I will have that box at the top. It will probably get more organized and purposeful as I go.

Yesterday's Card:	The Hanged Man (XII)
Reflection:	Oh yes. I started this blog yesterday. It will be my tool for reflection, represented by the Hanged Man himself.