Self-Disappointment

Card of the Day:	Two of Cups
Interpretation:	A harmonious partnership. This is a good thing, because my partner for this one class has been frustrating me to no end, and I don't know how to tell him that.

The problem with being a master of my own reality is that no one else can be blamed for the decisions I make. Often, it is an ease of the burden of life if we can blame forces outside of our control that shit happens to us. And to be honest, there are many times where shit does happen that affects our realities, and the causes lie outside our jurisdiction.

Which makes it all the more damning when the largest problems you face are entirely the result of your own actions. The last person you want to blame is yourself, because blame indicates fault, and we like to see ourselves as perfect beings. Now, understand that in this case, "perfect" does not mean "faultless". Most people realize that they have faults, yet they accept and work to improve themselves to whatever their ideal is. It hurts when we realize we have not made that progress that we so desire.

I know my fatal flaw. While I understand that I may have some other flaws, there is none so damning as Sloth. I won't pretend I'm not greedy, but from a selfish standpoint, I honestly don't think I'm all that selfish, but I do know that there are many things I want. I just don't want to put in the effort to get them.

And it hurts. It hurts to know that I am wasting my intellect on pointless games and diversions when I could use it for the betterment of the world. Unfortunately, I've reached the point where I need to put in some major effort to break beyond the confines of my own psyche, but I don't have the willpower to do so. Motivation has always been a problem for me. There's never been a sturdy goal in my mind to work toward. It's always been "maybe this will work," and it just sort of does. And if it doesn't? Revise my standards and try something else.

In my schoolwork, I've always subscribed to "Once and it's done." No revisions. No corrections. It's written, it's finished. That supposedly doesn't work in the world. I have yet to see evidence that this is the case. I have reaped great rewards from this philosophy. After all, I'm here at the UW - Madison, aren't I? That takes a bit of effort, supposedly.

Effort? What's that?

I have great talent in many things. Musicality, memory, and logic are my three greatest gifts. In my world, I have yet to need to expand any of them. I am still exploring the inside of all three gifts. Unfortunately, I am running out of room to explore. I need to break beyond the boundaries to realize my full potential.

They say you should never say can't. Well, guess what? I can't break those boundaries.

I am 20 years old. I turn 21 in 3 months. I have yet to learn how to break my boundaries. I have never stepped out of my comfort zone. I have never put myself out there for all to see.

Do you think you know me? I don't think you do.

My understanding is that elementary school is designed to teach you the basics, and also to introduce you to a world where Mommy and Daddy aren't always around. Ok, I think I got those.

Junior High and High school eludes me, though. It seems to me that it exists to prepare you for college. It exists to cause social development and prepare you for a "real" life. It should allow you to expand your horizons, and find yourself.

Well, I found myself. I know exactly who I am, but what I don't know is who I could be. I have yet to step outside myself and become more, because I have never needed to. Everything that has EVER been required of me is within my spheres of capability. I have never needed to grow. My talent was always good enough.

College is different, though. College does force you to become something more. It's why you go there. To grow, to learn, to be more than you were before. The bad news? I feel like I'm becoming LESS as the years go by. Each semester, I can see my standards revise. I can see my desires become more and more... outlandish? I'm not sure what the word is, but "unright" would be the best way to describe it. It's as if my "Once and done" policy is folding in on me. I'm not sure I'm stagnating. I think I'm changing still, but in the wrong direction.

And more than anything else, I just feel empty inside. I know I should be feeling some form of pain. I know I should work to heal the wound I know I am causing myself. But I can't feel it.

It's not that I don't believe I can change. Anyone can change. But I don't think I have the strength to change myself for the better. Not now. Not after cruising by for my entire life. When it's sink or swim, it's either learn to swim REALLY FAST, or die trying. I've been sinking in the slowest quicksand ever. They say if you just stop, you'll float to the top in quicksand, but not this stuff. I'm sinking lower and lower.

There are people who are worse off than me. I'm aware. But disappointment hurts more than many things, because it's a hurt that leaves you empty, and not in pain.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Empress
Reflection:	...Nothing. Yesterday was worthless. I don't even want a refund, because I was the one that squandered it. I feel so... empty.