Call Me Ishmael

Card of the Day:	Ten of Swords
Interpretation:	Perhaps the end of an era? Or the ignorance I still choose to display?

For today, I would like to describe my IFGS character, as I played a game today with him, and I have it on the brain.

Ishmael Azerus is a Magic User in the IFGS system. Many Magic Users call upon the power of forces outside themselves to cast their spells. Ishmael is no exception. At low levels, I am calling upon the elements themselves to invoke my spells. At mid levels, I am calling upon a promise I made to a dying woman (aka Ishmael's love). At high levels, I will begin to call directly upon the spirit of Ishmael's love.

Let me share my incantations. For low level spells, they must be 5 seconds long. Mid level incants are 10 seconds, and high level are 15 seconds.

5 second:
Emotion! Fool's Dream! Invoke the power of ELEMENT! NOUN's melody! Sing SPELLNAME!
(Where ELEMENT, NOUN, and SPELLNAME change depending on which spell I'm casting)

The idea here is Ishmael is drawing on the power of some element and object to cast a spell. For example, Defense increases Ishmael's armor. For Defense, the element is Earth, and the noun is Shield.

10 second:
Cinco: fingers on a dying hand! Cuatro: words on a dying breath! Tres: Promises made in love! Dos: Eyes that will never open! Uno: the Pact of the Rose! VERB! SPELLNAME!
(Where VERB and SPELLNAME change depending on which spell I'm casting)

The idea here is that Ishmael draws upon the power of his Pact. The verb just gives the spell direction. For example, Dispel Magic's verb is Shatter.

15 second:
To wit: Redemption is the white wings hung as the veils of the righteous. Their catalyst belongs to life and death. Watch as they fall and envelop me! Make your choice! Hear love's final verse! PHRASE. SPELLNAME!
(Where PHRASE and SPELLNAME change depending on which spell I'm casting)

And of course, the final leg of Ishmael's story. Ishmael wasn't always the best man (ok, he's still not, but he's "better"), so he is seeking redemption. After all, he promised his love he would. However, in this incant, Phrase needs to be approximately 2.5 seconds long. You can fit a lot of words in 2 seconds, so I have a lot of customization here. As I get the higher level spells, Ishmael will start talking directly to or about the spirit of his dead love. She is still there, living on through his promise and the Rose (no, her name is not Rose. Don't be silly). Two examples here: the spell Telekinesis does exactly what it sounds like. The phrase will be "Could you do me a favor?" My favorite example, though, is Blast, a very high level spell. The phrase for Blast is "Heaven's voice roars!" I have too much fun writing these incants.


Of course, everyone in my IFGS chapter is either extremely amused or extremely irritated by my Savvy incantation. Savvy lets me know what a magic item does. My incant for this spell is as follows:
"A suave and intelligent man such as myself would know something about this, right? Because I'm SAVVY!"

Yes, it's corny, but I love it anyway.

Yesterday's Card:	Knight of Cups
Reflection:	Every once in a while, we need a reminder of who we are and how we got there.

Catch Me When I Fall

Card of the Day:	Knight of Cups
Interpretation:	This doesn't tell me anything! I know who I am! ...Don't I? Maybe I don't. You know, I actually think I'm happy for this reminder.

I must be honest here: I am hurting. Read yesterday's post if you really want to know why.

But this morning, I took a step back. I reevaluated myself for a moment. Yes, I'm disappointed. Yes, I'm still struggling with my flaws. I can't accept that "everyone has their flaws". Just because they do doesn't mean I want to have them. Striving for perfection in all we do is part of the American Dream, isn't it?

But when I looked into my heart, I was reminded of something. There are chains attached to my heart. No, these aren't the chains of manacles and prisons. These chains form a net that lift me up out of the pit I've dug for myself. These are the bonds that bind me to my friends. My heart is filled with these chains.

So yes, I want to be upset with myself. I am upset with myself. But just knowing that there are people out there who love me for me forces the darkness away. While I can't necessarily see the end of this tunnel, I have a firm handhold that I know will lead out of the shadows.

For that, I thank you all.

Yesterday's Card:	Two of Cups
Reflection:	Well... I can't say I know exactly what this means, but I was greatly reminded of the harmony I share with other people yesterday.

Self-Disappointment

Card of the Day:	Two of Cups
Interpretation:	A harmonious partnership. This is a good thing, because my partner for this one class has been frustrating me to no end, and I don't know how to tell him that.

The problem with being a master of my own reality is that no one else can be blamed for the decisions I make. Often, it is an ease of the burden of life if we can blame forces outside of our control that shit happens to us. And to be honest, there are many times where shit does happen that affects our realities, and the causes lie outside our jurisdiction.

Which makes it all the more damning when the largest problems you face are entirely the result of your own actions. The last person you want to blame is yourself, because blame indicates fault, and we like to see ourselves as perfect beings. Now, understand that in this case, "perfect" does not mean "faultless". Most people realize that they have faults, yet they accept and work to improve themselves to whatever their ideal is. It hurts when we realize we have not made that progress that we so desire.

I know my fatal flaw. While I understand that I may have some other flaws, there is none so damning as Sloth. I won't pretend I'm not greedy, but from a selfish standpoint, I honestly don't think I'm all that selfish, but I do know that there are many things I want. I just don't want to put in the effort to get them.

And it hurts. It hurts to know that I am wasting my intellect on pointless games and diversions when I could use it for the betterment of the world. Unfortunately, I've reached the point where I need to put in some major effort to break beyond the confines of my own psyche, but I don't have the willpower to do so. Motivation has always been a problem for me. There's never been a sturdy goal in my mind to work toward. It's always been "maybe this will work," and it just sort of does. And if it doesn't? Revise my standards and try something else.

In my schoolwork, I've always subscribed to "Once and it's done." No revisions. No corrections. It's written, it's finished. That supposedly doesn't work in the world. I have yet to see evidence that this is the case. I have reaped great rewards from this philosophy. After all, I'm here at the UW - Madison, aren't I? That takes a bit of effort, supposedly.

Effort? What's that?

I have great talent in many things. Musicality, memory, and logic are my three greatest gifts. In my world, I have yet to need to expand any of them. I am still exploring the inside of all three gifts. Unfortunately, I am running out of room to explore. I need to break beyond the boundaries to realize my full potential.

They say you should never say can't. Well, guess what? I can't break those boundaries.

I am 20 years old. I turn 21 in 3 months. I have yet to learn how to break my boundaries. I have never stepped out of my comfort zone. I have never put myself out there for all to see.

Do you think you know me? I don't think you do.

My understanding is that elementary school is designed to teach you the basics, and also to introduce you to a world where Mommy and Daddy aren't always around. Ok, I think I got those.

Junior High and High school eludes me, though. It seems to me that it exists to prepare you for college. It exists to cause social development and prepare you for a "real" life. It should allow you to expand your horizons, and find yourself.

Well, I found myself. I know exactly who I am, but what I don't know is who I could be. I have yet to step outside myself and become more, because I have never needed to. Everything that has EVER been required of me is within my spheres of capability. I have never needed to grow. My talent was always good enough.

College is different, though. College does force you to become something more. It's why you go there. To grow, to learn, to be more than you were before. The bad news? I feel like I'm becoming LESS as the years go by. Each semester, I can see my standards revise. I can see my desires become more and more... outlandish? I'm not sure what the word is, but "unright" would be the best way to describe it. It's as if my "Once and done" policy is folding in on me. I'm not sure I'm stagnating. I think I'm changing still, but in the wrong direction.

And more than anything else, I just feel empty inside. I know I should be feeling some form of pain. I know I should work to heal the wound I know I am causing myself. But I can't feel it.

It's not that I don't believe I can change. Anyone can change. But I don't think I have the strength to change myself for the better. Not now. Not after cruising by for my entire life. When it's sink or swim, it's either learn to swim REALLY FAST, or die trying. I've been sinking in the slowest quicksand ever. They say if you just stop, you'll float to the top in quicksand, but not this stuff. I'm sinking lower and lower.

There are people who are worse off than me. I'm aware. But disappointment hurts more than many things, because it's a hurt that leaves you empty, and not in pain.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Empress
Reflection:	...Nothing. Yesterday was worthless. I don't even want a refund, because I was the one that squandered it. I feel so... empty.

Empty

Card of the Day:	Reversed Empress
Interpretation:	Superficial, lazy, and if I may be so bold... broken.

Posting every day is hard. There's a good chance that at some point, I might just start using a post for the two sections... above and below.

Yesterday's Card:	Two of Coins
Reflection:	Even this cold won't prevent me from singing! Come to my concert this weekend! If I know you read this blog, I've already invited you, so no details will be listed here.

Lights, Camera, BOREDOM!

Card of the Day:	Two of Coins
Interpretation:	Success in endeavors, but keep your day job. There shall be happiness, but not necessarily in the main endeavor.

Haven't you ever wanted to see a favorite character brought to life on the big screen? I actually haven't. I don't watch movies. It's not that I don't like them. "Recent" movies I have greatly enjoyed are Inception and Law Abiding Citizen. So why don't I watch them?

It is clear to me that movies are merely another medium for storytelling, with certain aspects necessary for its medium that don't appear in other mediums, such as literature or theater. Specifically, camera and lighting work (which is different from theater lighting. I think). But the most important issue, to me, is the length of movies. It's not that I can't do something for 2 hours non-stop. It's that I can't have my hands or mind idle that long. I don't want to sit there and watch something for a few hours. I want to DO stuff, even if that stuff is making silly comments about confetti!

Now, let me compare movies to other forms of storytelling: literature, theater, and TV.

Literature engages the mind much more than movies do. Not only do you have to interpret what the words mean, but you have to create a mental picture to keep track of what's going on. That is much more enjoyable than watching the picture already given to you. In addition, there's a certain tactile pleasure in flipping pages (or holding something that isn't a remote. I greatly prefer reading online materials on my laptop than on a desktop).

Theater's only difference from movies is locale. When you watch movies in your own home, there are so many other things to DO that actually involve DOING stuff that I always have preferences to those. In a cinema, it's a lot harder to make stupid comments without offending someone else. But in a theater, where the actors are present on the stage, live, it seems somewhat irreverent to make such comments. Thus, I have no desire to do so, and I can enjoy the story for what it is. That, and I have a soft spot for musicals, and I'm always seeing musicals in theater, as opposed to plays.

Television has one major difference from movies: commercials. I always have something else to do during the commercials, so I'm not bored out of my mind. It makes it easier to keep my attentino on the show when it IS on.

So it's not that movies aren't interesting. It's that I have many, many things I prefer to them.

Yesterday's Card:	Reversed Four of Wands
Reflection:	Well THAT was unexpected. A broken partnership...